Department of Justice

Jeff Sessions Wants Court To Punish The ACLU For Winning

If you can't beat 'em... sanction them for being better than you.

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There’s a reason for this picture, but you’ll have to strap in until the end. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Here are the undisputed facts of a Jane Doe case that Jeff Sessions thinks requires sanctions against the lawyers involved:

  • A human woman, living at a refugee center, needed medical treatment.
  • The federal government tried to deny her medical treatment, by literally refusing to let her leave the center.
  • The ACLU sued on behalf of the human woman, arguing that she could not be denied medical treatment.
  • A federal judge agreed with the ACLU.
  • The human woman left and received medical treatment, paid for by private citizens.
  • The federal government appealed the case to the Supreme Court.

If you do not see where sanctions are required, it’s because you are smart. If you do not see where sanctions are required, even after I tell you that the “medical treatment” was “an abortion,” it’s because you are not a zealous theocrat clothed in the power and authority of secular government.

Despite the federal government’s attempt to imprison a woman like a goddamn brood mother, Jane Doe was able to terminate her unwanted pregnancy. I wouldn’t put it past Jeff Sessions to argue that he should be allowed to re-impregnate the young woman, to restore God’s intended order to the world or something. But for now he’s simply asking the Supreme Court to punish the ACLU lawyers who helped Jane Doe access her basic human rights to her own body.

Sessions is angry because Jane Doe got an abortion before his office filed its emergency appeal with the Supreme Court. From the L.A. Times:

On Friday, new Solicitor Gen. Noel Francisco filed an appeal that asks the Supreme Court to set aside the lower court’s rulings and to consider “disciplinary action” against the ACLU.

They “kept the government in the dark about when Ms. Doe was scheduled to have an abortion,” he told the justices. “Given the extraordinary circumstances” of the case, the court should consider sanctions against one or more of the ACLU lawyers, he said.

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There are two critical problems with that argument. The first one will be easy for lawyers to understand and the second one will be… more difficult for some white men to comprehend.

1. The DOJ had time to file their appeal, they were just too slow. The federal judge ruled in favor of Jane Doe on October 24th, she had her procedure on October 24th, and the DOJ waited till October 25th to file their appeal. Sorry fellas, that’s too late. Maybe instead of staffing your office with Jones Day refugees, your administration should hire some Wachtell-caliber attorneys. I promise you, those guys would have gotten the appeal in on time if they had to keep the clerk of the Court awake with toothpicks in his eyelids.

2. They kept the government in the dark about when Ms. Doe was scheduled to have an abortion. Yeah, see, you — the government — has, like, NO RIGHT TO A WOMAN’S BODY. I know you THINK YOU DO. I know that in your repressive, misogynist hearts you think that every woman should clear her actions with you beforehand. Thankfully, you haven’t yet made America like that (again).

If you are a man who is still confused by what happened here, let me use a football analogy. You watch football, don’t you? Of course you do. Since it’s hard for you to imagine Jane Doe as a person… try to imagine her as a football.

Jane the Football has just been hurled down the field. Pretend that Jane the football is a self-aware football, who wants to get in the end zone and score, but cannot accomplish her goals without help. So the ACLU comes along and says, “Hi, I’m Tom Brady, I can help you,” and Brady hurls Jane the Football downfield. And she’s caught! First DOWN! Tom Brady/ACLU is happy. But the defense is not happy. Let’s say the defense is from a good, moral part of the country like Indianapolis. The defense is pro-life and they don’t want Jane the Football to score because they believe that only GOD can put points on the board.

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The ref rules it a catch, but when you look at the replay, you’re not quite sure if Jane the Football hit the ground or not. The defense notices this, but so does Tom Brady. So, because Tom Brady is so smart and wonderful and immune from getting concussions because he drinks a lot of water, he runs up to the line, snaps Jane the Football, and throws her for a touchdown before the defense’s head coach, Jeff Sessions, can get the challenge flag out of his pocket. Tom Brady scores, Jane the Football scores, head coach Jeff Sessions is left red-faced and pissed. He knows he should have thrown the challenge flag more quickly, but he just wasn’t fast enough.

But, instead of taking his defeat like a MAN… Jeff Sessions runs out onto the field and says, “Tom Brady should be suspended for deflating Jane the Football against the rules!”

I’ll pause while gross Patriots fans pick the pieces of their minds up off the floor.

Jeff Sessions got beat and now he’s trying to punish the ACLU for beating him. Regardless of what the Supreme Court does — empowered as it is with a seat stolen by Senate Republicans for exactly this purpose — nothing can return Jane Doe to the state of a talking incubator as Jeff Sessions had hoped. Thank God for small victories.

Trump administration asks Supreme Court to punish ACLU lawyers who helped teen migrant get abortion [L.A. Times]

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at [email protected]. He will resist.

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