Prof: Stan, Harv, and Yale, will you be friends with me?
Stan: Gross! Go away!
Harv: Eww! Keep away from me!
Yale: No! I don’t even know you, but no.
Prof: (sigh)
4th Tier: Hey Prof, be friends with me!
Prof: Okay! But only for a little bit. I really want to be friends with Stan, Harv, and Yale.
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4th Tier: Okay, let me get to know you. Wait, where are you going?
Prof: (Running over to slightly more attractive person) Hey, be friends with me! See how I’m already okay because I’m hanging out with 4th Tier?
3rd Tier: Oh yes, I see that. You do look like you would be a good friend. Yes, let’s hang out together.
Prof: Okay, but only for a little bit. I really want to be friends with Stan, Harv, and Yale. (Looks over at slightly more attractive person) Hey, be friends with me! See how I’m already okay because I’m hanging out with 3rd Tier?
2nd Tier: Oh yes, I see that. You do look like you would be a good friend. Yes, let’s hang out together.
Prof: Okay, but only for a little bit. I really want to be friends with Stan, Harv, and Yale. (Looks over at slightly more attractive person) Hey, be friends with me! See how I’m already okay because I’m hanging out with 2nd Tier?
Lower 1st Tier: Oh yes, I see that. You do look like you would be a good friend. Yes, let’s hang out together.
Prof: Okay, but only for a little bit. I really want to be friends with Stan, Harv, and Yale. (Looks over at slightly more attractive person) Hey, be friends with me! See how I’m already okay because I’m hanging out with Lower 1st Tier?
Upper 1st Tier: Oh yes, I see that. You do look like you would be a good friend. Yes, let’s hang out together.
Prof: Okay, but only for a little bit. I really want to be friends with Stan, Harv, and Yale. (Looks over at slightly more attractive person) Hey, be friends with me! See how I’m already okay because I’m hanging out with Upper 1st Tier?
Stan, Harv, and Yale: Yes, we have come to the conclusion based upon our own independent factors that you would be a good friend and worthy of our time. First, those beneath us say you are a good quality friend. Also, your shirt says Harvard. That just screams quality. And your email address shows you have a good server.
Prof: Wait a minute. The only reason you wanted to hang out with me at all was because I was hanging out with Upper 1st Tier.
Stan: Yes.
Prof: And the reason that I was able to hang out with Upper 1st Tier was because I hung out with Lower 1st Tier.
Harv: Yes.
Prof: And the reason I hung out with Lower 1st Tier was because of 2nd Tier, and so on. So wait, isn’t the whole basis of law review hierarchy a sham?
Yale: Not at all. You were able to climb out of the lower ranks and show your true quality. Other people will just be stuck there. So, really it isn’t that we’re relying on the quality controls of lower-ranked people and feeding off their work, it’s more like Hunger Games.
Prof: So your claim is that this is more cream skimming, right? And how did you manage to screen all those hundreds of people who want to be friends with you so quickly? Isn’t your process flawed?
Harv: I wouldn’t put it like that. We look very carefully at who you’re friends with. We look at where you went to school, for whom you clerked, the structure of your CV, and …..
Prof: WTF. What does that have to do with my article?
Harv: Well, we consider the quality of the auth….
Prof: [Expletive deleted] this. I don’t want to be friends with you. I wish I never even saw how your friendships are made.
[THE END]
***
And that is why I refuse to expedite my law review articles, despite tremendous pressure and incentive to do so. It was hard for me to show my true disdain for hierarchies and class issues at the same time I played this game. I have refused for years, and will forever refuse.
I have that luxury. Others do not. Those seeking tenure are more likely to have an article called into question if it didn’t catch the eye of students at higher-ranked schools. Even if those who are called upon to write tenure letters say that the article is the best thing since sliced bread, they won’t be believed as much if the article is at a lower-ranked journal. Worse, some schools prefer the prestige of higher-ranked law reviews over peer-reviewed journals.
If you feel compelled by tradition to play the game, no worries. I understand. Here’s a useful guide to do that. I don’t hate the player, I hate the game. And I hate the game as much as I loathed the 8th grade social hierarchies and invidious distinctions from which I modeled the law review skit above.
LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at [email protected].