As Turkey Day swiftly approaches and the promise of a day lounging in sweat pants with my loved ones draws near, I’d like to pause before consuming my weight in stuffing and give thanks to my business partners.
First, I’d like to bow my head and thank my Sales Team for always presenting me with new opportunities to stretch. Never have I had the privilege of working alongside such a group of professionals so dedicated to disproving the theory of Occam’s razor. Each and every day you’ve afforded me an opportunity to push the limits of my legal knowledge to the brink. Maybe we really could call it an exclusivity clause even though it’s intended to describe a non-exclusive distributor relationship. Maybe we could sue for lost profits even when the contract specifically disclaims them if we call them something else. Maybe we could convince the arbitrator we meant to exclude the minimum volume requirements from the contract. And the corresponding 18 references to it. Clearly, it was a drafting error. Seriously, there are no words for the gratitude I feel when faced with an impossible, unwinnable proposition. It makes me want to be a better attorney. And eat my Wheaties.
Second, a heartfelt thanks to my Product guys for affording me the opportunity to practice active listening. All of the time. During each and every meeting I attend with you, waiting for that moment between this heart beat and the next when you casually drop the phrase “epidemic fault” into the conversation. Or tell me the return rate is 4 percent in one breath and write 7.5 percent on the board when you think I’m not looking. I know you’re just testing my listening skills and not trying to sneak one by me in the compliance review. I love you, guys. For keeping me on my toes.
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To my lovelies in HR, thank you for challenging me to find novel ways to explain simple legal concepts using reality television show stars. Even if I did have to cringe through a full 10 minutes of “Vanderpump Rules,” it was well worth it to get you to finally understand the concept of parents, subsidiaries, and affiliates. And hey, I finally learned what SUR stood for and hence forth, I will only answer to the title of Sexy Unique Lawyer or “SUL” if you’re looking to incorporate a defined term.
Finally, a hearty thank you to our brand team for allowing me to dust off my basic proofreading skills. It’s an absolute privilege to review all of your promotional deal sheets in my allotted “this is going out in 30 minutes and we need legal approval immediately” block. Honestly, it’s good for me to get my heart rate up like that during the workday. I bet I get extra credit for that on my Fitbit. I also know you took the “L” out of the word “public” in that deal sheet, just so I could feel like I was adding value to the process. And your argument for why the MSRP is a different value in three places really made me pause and think about U.S. to Canadian exchange rate before realizing the deal sheets were only valid in the U.S.
My cup truly runneth over this year with all that I’m thankful for, but most of all, I’m grateful that my days are never dull and the turkeys I work with are never boring.
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Kay Thrace (not her real name) is a harried in-house counsel at a well-known company that everyone loves to hate. When not scuffing dirt on the sacrosanct line between business and the law, Kay enjoys pub trivia domination and eradicating incorrect usage of the Oxford comma. You can contact her by email at [email protected] or follow her on Twitter @KayThrace.