Law school not only requires students to figure out a whole new way of learning and thinking, but it is also a time of great personal growth. Navigating this tricky time in your life may require redefining and resetting your boundaries with the people who were in your life before law school as well as learning to navigate new boundaries with your law school peers, professors, and administrators. This is a challenging balancing act which you may handle more gracefully at some times than others. Here are a few tips and tricks I picked up through my own trials and tribulations for you to consider the next time you need to take stock of or reinforce the boundaries in your life.
Personal relationships
You have probably heard horror stories about how hard law school is on your personal relationships. I wish I could tell you that those are just rumors. But, honestly, law school really is tough on your personal life. Beginning law school is like starting a new, needy relationship that requires all of your time and attention. This inevitably leaves you with less time to spend with the other people in your life. Your friends and family may be used to you being more available, so if you don’t manage their expectations about your availability you’re setting yourself up for failure and arguments.
Remember, their lives are all going on as usual and have not stopped simply because you’ve decided to go to law school. This statement is in direct conflict with the typical advice for law school, which is that you must prioritize law school above all else. It is true, you must make law school a very high priority in order to be successful. After all, it is far too expensive, time consuming, and nerve-wracking to not go all in. However, if you want to come out of law school with any of your previous relationships intact, you will likely have to compromise on some things.
I highly recommend that you sit down with the most important people in your life and explain the demands of law school, especially the time commitment. Do not tell them that they will have to change and explain how they should adapt to meet your needs. Instead, let them know what your life is going to look like now and reassure them that they are still a priority to you. As part of this conversation, you should also brainstorm ways to ensure your relationship remains strong. For example, you can plan a weekly call to mom, a Saturday morning breakfast date with your partner, or a weekly Netflix break with your best friend. It is important that you do your very best to consistently check in when you say you will. Consistency earns you good will that you may need to cash in at the end of the semester when it’s crunch time and you really need to focus.
Law School Peers
Your relationships with your law school peers fall into a bit of a grey area. You should never lose sight of the fact that law school is part of your professional training and that your classmates will be your future colleagues. They will be your coworkers, bosses, opposing counsel, and maybe even the judge presiding over a case you are trying. However, it is impossible and inadvisable, to go through 3+ years of law school without socializing with your classmates. With socializing comes friendships, relationships, and, yes, drama. On more than one occasion, I’ve heard law students compare law school to high school.
However, it is possible to survive if you take the following precautions. First, don’t gossip. Ever. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Next, drink responsibly. You don’t want to accidentally do something that can’t be undone, unseen, or “unposted” on Facebook. Finally, date cautiously. Be private about your private life. If you are intentional about your socializing, you can build great relationships without potentially sacrificing your future.
Professional relationships
In addition to managing your personal relationships and forming new friendships with your classmates, you will also be forming new professional relationships with professors, administrators, attorneys, and mentors. In these situations, you may find yourself less concerned with setting boundaries and more concerned with understanding and respecting the boundaries set by others.
For example, professors are there to teach you, and that is exactly what they should do. However, it is important to respect the rules and policies they put into place, such as office hours, preferred methods of communication, or classroom policies and procedures. My high school math teacher had a poster behind his desk that said “failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” Remember this before you rush into into your professor’s office and demand, well, anything. When it comes to mentors, keep in mind that they are there to guide and advise you. This doesn’t necessarily make them your friend. Follow their lead in terms of level of communication and amount of personal information you share.
Whether you are the one setting boundaries or are trying to respect someone else’s boundaries, keep in mind that communication is key. The fact that you’re seeking out resources such as this article means you’re already on the right path to having successful and balanced law school relationships. So, make sure to listen for and respect others’ cues and effectively communicate your own boundaries with others.
Kerriann Stout is a millennial law school professor and founder of Vinco (a bar exam coaching company) who is generationally trapped between her students and colleagues. Kerriann has helped hundreds of students survive law school and the bar exam with less stress and more confidence. She lives, works, and writes in the northeast. You can reach her by email at [email protected].