After my car accident at the end of July 2018, I struggled with anxiety issues, both on the road, even as a passenger, and in my daily life. I was forced to take time off work and had memory issues plus some word recall problems. At some points, I did not seem to be in total control of my emotions or actions. All and all, scary and humbling.
When I sought professional help, someone mentioned Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, and it has changed my life. The book draws from Toltec wisdom which is based on the ancient teachings at Teotihuacan, the pyramids just outside Mexico City — coincidentally, where I have lived part-time for the past 18 months. As I returned to work, I decided to apply the principles to my professional life.
The four agreements are as follows:
- Be Impeccable with Your Word;
- Don’t Take Anything Personally;
- Don’t Make Assumptions; and
- Always Do Your Best.
I work as a lawyer at Nimbus Legal, university adjunct professor, consultant, and CEO of Traklight, plus various advisory boards. The four agreements apply to all these roles and business in general as follows.
Be Impeccable with Your Word
A brief summary in the book explains this first agreement as speaking with integrity and avoiding gossip and self-criticism. To extend this to business, one must of course be ethical but, also purposeful. In other words, say yes only if you can do something, which is more than underpromise and overdeliver. I have had attorneys say yes with their words but their actions do not match. And even more powerful is to say no when warranted. The research that clients want responsive lawyers does not mean that you should always say yes to their requests. In fact, learning how to say no is part of being a better consultant or lawyer.
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Don’t Take Anything Personally
This second agreement was the most important to me both personally and in business. A former friend, who had no empathy for my mental and physical struggles in August, initially hurt me with her behavior. However, when I learned that this agreement means others’ words or actions are not because of me, rather a projection of their reality, I was able to step outside of the situation. If you start hearing and experiencing others through a lens without taking anything personally, life is simpler.
As far as business, first this agreement is a golden nugget for dealing with trolls on social media, both personally and professionally. Those who try to engage or are judgmental do so because of their situation, not you. Shortly after the accident, I had a difficult business meeting where I reacted to others’ criticisms and comments. Now months later, when the same people say similar things, I understand that it’s related to them, not me. I simply do not respond. In addition, as Traklight evolves, I have had various conversations about its value and I also do not take any negative comments or actions personally. My emotions now remain in check. One caveat for business is that official performance review feedback should be heeded.
Last semester, I extended this agreement to the comments and complaints from my students. I am now able to look at what others say and try to understand how this relates to their situation and not jump to defend myself or be hurt based on others’ actions. It’s freaking liberating and I will also be applying it to my law practice.
Don’t Make Assumptions
This agreement and the idea of communication to clarify is something that I have done for years. The old adage of “if you assume, you make an ass out of you and me” has been with me since my early days as a financial auditor. I always ask, never jump to a conclusion. The ideas of courage to ask questions and expressing one’s needs may be seen as aggressive behavior, but it’s much preferable to the alternative. In business, this could mean that you toil away without knowing if you are on track. Recently, I advised my class that success is based on being honest (see agreement #1 above), reading, and listening. I will add the need to ask questions to next semester’s list.
On the personal front, you can clear up misunderstandings and avoid drama by dealing with issues directly, as opposed to ghosting people or other passive aggressive tactics. You cannot know anyone else’s story, and by asking questions, you avoid acting only on your interpretation. This is critical for the practice of law and something that I continue to encourage in all areas of life.
Always Do Your Best
This final agreement might seem a bit simplistic, even for personal matters. I look at it as really allowing yourself some slack, or as the book explains, that by doing your best under any circumstance, self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret can be avoided. Taking a step back, being hard on yourself will not help or change what has happened. In business, I have always tried to find the silver lining in all my endeavors, even when things go awry. I believe this agreement will help better serve my students and clients. If you are positive and putting in the best effort, that will translate to your work and your ultimate customers. #onwards to 2019.
Mary E. Juetten lives on the West Coast, runs Juetten Law, and is both an American and Canadian professional accountant.Mary is passionate about metrics that matter and access to justice, her new book is here on Amazon. She founded Traklight and Evolve Law; is Of Counsel for Nimbus Legal; and consults as an Access Advocate for LegalShield. You can reach her by email at [email protected] or on Twitter: @maryjuetten.