If nothing else, the Trump Administration has given us all a new appreciation for the potential of Congressional hearings to metastasize into truly compelling entertainment.
What with a House and Senate chock-full of partisan imbeciles and a constantly changing cast of cabinet members who are each uniquely unfit for their position, CSPAN has come to rival Bravo as the go-to channel for guilty pleasure reality TV shows about vapid people yelling at each other. Take today, for instance: Capitol Hill is playing host to a half dozen hearings that have real potential to turn into bats**t spectacles of Trump-era nonsense. From Bill Barr testifying about how no one can see the full Mueller report except him because they’ll all melt like Nazis staring into the Ark of the Covenant or something, to Jerry Nadler holding a hearing on hate crimes, to Mike Pompeo asking the Senate to fund a State Department that vocally eschews diplomatic engagement, it’s truly “A Day” in Washington, D.C.
But while you legal types lose yourselves in the vagaries of Barr and the House Judiciary uncovering why America hates, we finance types are going to be a little more intrigued by the 2 p.m. EST hearing over at House Financial Services, where Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin will be pursing his mouth in that creepy way he does and muttering, “Nuh uh,” when asked to hand over Trump’s tax returns.
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Again, you have a lot of options to choose from on CSPAN’s nightmare buffet this afternoon, so if you don’t tune into Mnuchin’s hearing, here are a 5 moments you’re missing out on:
1. Maxine Waters hammering away at Steve right off the bat about his résumé as the Forrest Gump of financial malfeasance, trying to impress upon him that there are rules for people in society and that transparency is the best policy, making Steve’s face reflexively stretch into his trademark facsimile of what he thinks a human grin looks like. Waters then turns aggressive and confused about Deutsche Bank and financial crimes as she realizes that she is talking to what happens when a woman makes love to an opaque financial transaction created to deceive all counterparties.
2. Ranking GOP committee member Patrick McHenry asking Mnuchin what he can accomplish with the time he wouldn’t have to spend dealing with the distraction of Trump’s tax returns, then sits slack-jawed as Mnuchin gives the most obtuse answer about “something something Venezuela, and also the IRS needs funding.”
3. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez questions Mnuchin, providing the universe with the answer to the question, “Are any two humans ever born to hate one another?” and proceeds to bombard the Treasury Secretary with questions about his own tax returns and investments, leaning hard into his financial ties with China via his career as a Hollywood movie producer. Mnuchin is unfazed.
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4. Mnuchin is reminded that he can be held in contempt of Congress should he ignore a Congressional subpoena and refuse to hand over Trump’s tax returns. This prompts a giggle from the witness, as he is tickled every time plebes try to pretend that he can ever be punished.
5. Mnuchin sits back as Democrats attempt to get him to crack using threats and reasoning, entirely missing the point that Steven Mnuchin is a warlock immune to the laws and morals that infect 99 percent of mere humans. Everyone walks away terrified of what they have just witnessed — except Donald Trump, who cannot believe he ever found this guy.