Government

Attorney General Of Louisiana Makes Dumb Argument Two Different Ways

This is the worst law take since the R. Kelly interview.

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Louisiana Attorney General, Jeff Landry (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

Jeff Landry, the Attorney General of the State of Louisiana, decided to weigh in on the Mueller report, yesterday. He embarrassed himself the way pre-law students embarrass themselves before they decide to switch majors to English.

To be CLEAR… this is wrong. I’ll admit, I’m not an expert on whatever Napoleonic system of swamp justice they’re still running in Louisiana, but “in this nation,” when a court “doesn’t find you guilty,” the ruling is “not guilty.” Every lawyer knows this. Every lawyer knows that the difference between “not guilty” and “innocent” is not one of mere semantics. Guilty beyond a reasonable doubt lays a heavy burden on the state. If prosecutors just had to show “Come on, he totally did it,” a lot more people would be in jail.

After getting Twitter bombed by every lawyer with a basic sense of moral or ethical duty (no, Professor Alan Dershowitz did not criticize Landry), Landry tried to walk back his statement. But he did it in this disingenuous, Pee-Wee Herman “I meant to do that” way that accepted no responsibility for his mischaracterization. And even that would be fine if he wasn’t stupid and wrong again in his updated thoughts:

You know what, let’s do a close read of this word-salad trash:

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* “This is so great!” — Landry is trying to act like people destroying him on Twitter is some kind of grand teachable moment for the country.
* “Now that you have shown some understanding of our court system…” — It’s actually Landry who showed a complete lack of understanding of our court system, but here again, he’s acting like he was STUPID ON PURPOSE so that we could all learn.
* “you should agree that if there isn’t enough evidence to bring charges, there isn’t enough evidence to convict” — They do this a lot on Ancient Aliens, using a subjective clause as support for a future conclusion. “If the Pyramids weren’t used as tombs, they were used as inter-dimensional space portals.” But I don’t want to get wrapped up in the logical fallacy. The real problem is that THIS IS NOT WHAT MUELLER SAID. He didn’t say there wasn’t enough “evidence” to bring charges, he said that he didn’t have the “authority” to bring charges.
* “and therefore” — If monkeys could talk, right before they throw feces at you, they’d say “and therefore.”
* “@realDonaldTrump is NOT GUILTY!” — Remember, this entire gibberish has been so Landry can change his clearly idiotic claim of legal innocence to only slightly less deranged declaration of “not guilty.” Donald Trump was not charged BECAUSE the special counsel felt the need to adhere to Department of Justice guidelines. You can’t draw a line from that to “not guilty,” NO MATTER HOW MANY CAPS YOU USE.
* “Thank you all for this confirmation” — No Jeff, thank you, for this confirmation that you are an idiot.

Jeff Landry got his law degree from Loyola New Orleans, and I think they owe us an apology. Or maybe he owes them an apology.

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and a contributor at The Nation. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at [email protected]. He will resist.

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