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#LawTwittter Troll Response Form

A useful form for engaging in the Twittersphere.

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As my social media presence grows, so too do the number of trolls that seek to engage with me.  It doesn’t matter what I tweet.  It can be about cake.  However, most of the time it’s lawyers who tend to be the most vicious trollers.  Within minutes, someone will jumps out from nowhere (most often someone who doesn’t even follow me) to raise critical issues with my tweet. 

As it happens so frequently, I thought I would save myself and #Lawtwitter time and draft a form letter to respond to trolls.

“Dear Prospective Social Media Monitor:

Thank you for your interest in my tweet.  Sadly, I must reject your gracious offer to be my prospective social media monitor (“Troll”).  As you know, a quality Twitter account such as mine receives hundreds if not thousands of offers to be the exclusive trolling provider.  Unfortunately, your reply does not meet my standards of quality for the following reasons (checking all that apply):

____ 1.  While you are absolutely correct and I was out of line, you raised the issue in such a boorish and rude way, I am forced to both correct my tweet or delete it AND cease contact with you.  No further interaction is required.  Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience I caused you.  If you follow me, you may wish to unfollow me to avoid any further misunderstandings.  I should point out if you had used some tact, I would have thanked you, corrected my error, and not considered you a troll at all. 

____ 2.  You insulted me without raising any arguments.  No further interaction is needed because I’ve been called names since junior high, most way more clever than the one you chose to call me. 

____ 3.  You appear to have misread my tweet.  Please go back and review the tweet carefully for literary devices such as satire.  No further interaction is required, because I have faith you will come to understanding and enlightenment.  I’m optimistic that way.

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____ 4.  My tweet was a matter of opinion.  That means if I tweet “I like cake,” you cannot dispute it, unless you somehow think I’m lying about it.  We will be unlikely to make headway.  “There ain’t no good guys, there ain’t no bad guys, there’s only you and me and we just disagree.”  No further action is needed, except to maybe get that Dave Mason song out of my head.

_____ 5.  You made a moral judgment about something related to my family.  Unfortunately, the position of moral judge of my life is the exclusive dominion of friends and family members.

_____ 6.  You claim facts that are not true in this universe.  Please return to the parallel universe from which you came so that you can live a happy and fulfilling life where you speak the truth.

_____  7.  You merely labeled me something. You did so without discussing the foundation of my argument, presumably so that you could dismiss it out of hand.  No further interaction is needed, except between you and the refills of your label maker.

______ 8.  You pivoted to a discussion beyond the scope of my original tweet.  You should start your own thread about that topic.  No further interaction is required.

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______ 9.  SEA LION.  No further interaction is required.  Please visit your local aquarium for support.

_______ 10.  You demanded data knowing full well you were going to reject any data I sent to you.  Thus, after my initial data submission, no further interaction is needed. 

_______ 11.  You appear to be really busy moving goalposts, so I hope you have a wonderful time in your career with the NFL.  However, no further interaction is required, but I really care little or not at all for your goalposts.  It is not my job to convince you of anything.  I am not Sisyphus. 

________12.  I tried to follow you on the slippery slope you embarked us upon, but I injured my leg in the process.  As I seek medical attention, I will not have time to interact with you.  I couldn’t keep up, as the slippery slope you are on is so steep and the coefficient of friction (logic) so little that you’re down the mountain already.

________13.  You ruined Wizard of Oz for me.  I really liked the Tin Man.  (As singer Tracy Chapman sang, “Remember the Tin Man, found what he had what he thought he lacked.”)  But you are a very big fan of the Strawman.  No further interaction is needed.  We can’t get past this.  You are too efficient at making a strawman. 

________ 14.  All right.  You caught me.  I admit it!  My evil plot to destroy lives and take over the planet was foiled by your reply to my tweet.  Were it not for you, the other meddling kids and that one dog (the one who isn’t so Scrappy), I could have conquered the world.  But I’ll be back!  Just wait and see.  And maybe you’ll be defending against people like me somewhere else on Twitter.  Then my plans will come to fruition!  Until then, no further interaction is required. 

Thank you for your interest and obsession with my Twitter feed.  I hope you continue to enjoy #Lawtwitter and realize that your colleagues and clients can see what you post.

Very truly yours,

Lawprofblawg

LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at [email protected].

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