The 2024 State Of The Union Drinking (Or Not) Game
Tonight's drinking game for the #SOTU
Tonight, we gather yet again for America’s solemn civic ritual: the annual Above the Law State of the Union Drinking Game. For over a decade, we’ve offered a lawyerly parlor game for State of the Union observers to salve the steady decline of the Republic.
Traditionally this is a drinking game, but obviously it doesn’t have to be. For any of you concerned about the game crossing over into substance abuse, feel free to play with any other metric you wish. Virgin margaritas, iced coffee, cocaine… or if those aren’t edgy enough for you, Panera’s Charged Lemonade.
Unless otherwise noted, take a sip whenever these come up….
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Merrick Garland Is The Designated Survivor (finish your drink): One cabinet member always misses the State of the Union to preserve the presidential line of succession in case the Cylons attack. Could it be Attorney General Merrick Garland? He’s unpopular on the right for appointing Special Counsel to investigate all of Trump’s criminaling. He’s unpopular on the left for waiting so long to investigate all of Trump’s criminaling. Why not leave him at home? For what it’s worth, Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas is another prime candidate to skip the speech, but it’s probably bad form to have the designated survivor be someone the House already voted to impeach.
Every Absent Supreme Court Justice: The justices don’t have to attend the event, and most of them don’t. Clarence Thomas wouldn’t attend a Joe Biden speech if you paid him. On the other hand, Clarence Thomas doesn’t do much of anything if you aren’t paying him. Besides, the justices just gave themselves a little mini-vacation by pushing arguably the most consequential case they’ve taken to April 25 and why ruin that self-awarded procrastination with a stuffy speech?
Every Absent Supreme Court Justice Who Shows Up At The Republican Response (finish your drink): By the way, the Republican response will be delivered by Alabama Senator Katie Britt. Which seems like the state Republicans would especially NOT want to highlight right now because…
IVF (take a test tube sized sip): The Alabama Supreme Court just ruled that frozen embryos are children, shutting down the Alabama IVF industry, alienating swing voters in such numbers that the state’s overwhelmingly Republican government scrambled to come up with some way to distance themselves from the court. Senate Republicans have mostly expressed support for IVF — because it’s wildly popular in America — while refusing to actually do anything about it — because it’s wildly unpopular among the right flank donors who fund primary challengers. And now the GOP is going to put Alabama front and center after Biden inevitably puts that state’s retrograde politics on the table? Crackerjack politicking!
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Supreme Court Ethics: Joe Biden blew off meaningful Supreme Court reform when he chose to set up a commission back when he had control of Congress. But the Supreme Court’s popularity is tanking in no small part because the public has learned a lot since last year about Thomas and Alito partying on the dime of billionaire fanboys. The Supreme Court’s rulings can be divisive, but “maybe don’t act like you’re on the take” is a message with broad popular appeal.
Namechecking Supreme Court Cases: Roe? Dobbs? Pennoyer v. Neff?
Mentions any Amendment: The Supreme Court (rightly or wrongly) rewrote the Fourteenth Amendment this week. Having taken red markers to the First and Second in recent years, there’s a lot of fodder here.
Mentions Third Amendment (finish your drink and prepare the guest room)
Proposes a new Amendment: A renewed Equal Rights Amendment anyone?
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Proposes a new Amendment imposing judicial term limits (take exactly 18 small sips and then take senior status)
January 6 (take a sip… steal a podium): The last time the GOP’s constituents had fun at a joint session. As Biden pivots into general election mode, he might be eager to remind everyone of what happened last election.
Full Standing Ovation: Not going to happen, so why bother?
“The Border” (no drink): Just play this sound.
Commentator Refers to the State of the Union as “Constitutionally Required”: Kind of being a know-it-all, but OK.
Commentator Notes that “the President Doesn’t Actually Need to Give a Speech”: Finish your drink if they add that the State of the Union could be a written message. Jimmy Carter pulled this in 1981.
When the Speech Hits One Hour and then Every Ten Minutes Until It Ends: These speeches don’t have to last an hour.
Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.
