Government

House Impeachment Wants To Phone A Friend. And That Friend Is Merrick Garland.

Cue the 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' theme.

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(Photo by Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty Images)

House Oversight Chair Jamie Comer is gonna git them Biden boys! Or else he’s going to … ask Merrick Garland to do it for him.

Congress’s own Elmer Fudd isn’t officially tapping out on the impeachment of the “Biden crime family” that he’s been promising since he grabbed the gavel in 2022. But he’s spent the past year being ritually humiliated in his efforts to connect Hunter Biden’s run-of-the-mill sleaziness to his father, and so far come up empty.

In May, he went on Fox News and vamped to Maria Bartiromo that he had somehow misplaced the informant who could connect all the Biden crime dots.

Had the informant been eaten by lions? Fled to a silent ashram? Felled by an assassin dispatched by the president?

Nope! He was on the lam from the feds after being indicted for a raft of crimes that involved conspiring to traffic weapons and Iranian oil, as well as violating the Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA) by acting as a conduit for the Chinese government to pay former CIA Director James Woolsey to author pro-China editorials in 2016.

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DOH!

Comer’s next whistleblower fared no better. FBI informant Alexander Smirnov offhandedly mentioned to his handler in 2017 that he’d met with executives at Burisma, the Ukrainian oil company that employed Hunter Biden. But when the special prosecutors tapped by Bill Barr came knocking in 2020, Smirnov suddenly remembered that he’d had a whole bunch of meetings with Burisma execs in 2015 and 2016 where they soliloquized about the millions in bribes they were paying to Joe and Hunter Biden. It was transparently bullshit — Smirnov’s own travel records and emails disproved his claims. But Comer and Senator Chuck Grassley gamely touted Smirnov as a smoking gun, even after he, too, got indicted for lying to the FBI.

Clearly, these members of Congress couldn’t find their own … members … with two hands and a map. And, boy do their Democratic colleagues ever know it. Here’s Rep. Jared Moskowitz daring them to call a vote on impeachment.

“I’ll make the motion, Mister Chairman. I want to help you out,” he snarked. “You can second it.”

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Comer fumed, as Judiciary Chair Jim Jordan, king of the pointless floor stunt, laughed in grudging respect.

“They’re never gonna impeach Joe Biden. It’s never gonna happen, because they don’t have the evidence!” Moskowitz shouted gleefully into the cameras, pointing out that Republican members are resigning rather than participate in this idiotic charade.

Then he took to beating up on the Republicans’ only remaining witness, a slimy dunderhead named Tony Bobulinski who has been promising for four years to deliver the goods on Hunter and Joe Biden.

“Ask the chairman why he hasn’t called for impeachment, Tony. He’s right here, ask Comer!” Moskowitz yelled cheerfully.

“I used all my time to show that this vote is never going to happen, because they have no evidence on Joe Biden,” he concluded. “I yield back.”

And it appears that Moskowitz is right. Recent reports in the Washington Post and The Hill suggest that Comer et al have their eyes on an off ramp to avoid having to bring this motion to a committee vote, much less the floor.

What if they ask Attorney General Merrick Garland to finish their homework for them?

Maybe they can get themselves out of this mess by making a criminal referral to the DOJ. After that, UNDERPANTS GNOMES and then LOCK HER UP!

“It’s always been about holding them accountable,” Comer told Newsmax last week, as if this shambolic retreat were all part of the plan. “The way that we’re going to do [it] has always been the best route for accountability. We’ve proven the wrongdoing, now it’s time to hold people accountable. That’s what we’re gonna do.”

But there are a few tiny problems with this. The first is that the referral is in no way binding, so the DOJ can ignore it. Secondly, a criminal referral requires specific allegations of crimes, and so far these brain geniuses haven’t found any. Third, Hunter Biden, and by extension his father, have been under special counsel investigation for four years, and if there were anything other than the pissant tax and gun charges, presumably Robert Hur and David Weiss would have found it. And finally, it’s not even clear they have the votes for this fig leaf of handing the entire thing off to the guy whom they’ve accused for years of mounting a massive coverup.

But other than that, you’re doing great, sweetie!

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore where she produces the Law and Chaos substack and podcast.

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