Trump’s Dumbest Assets

Donald Trump doesn’t need nearly as much money to secure a bond to keep his properties during the appeal he’s going to lose. But he’d already said he preferred to have his assets frozen so who knows what he’s going to do. Anyway, we’re moving ahead with our bracket. Get your votes in by Friday morning!

We’ve unveiled the Golf Course region, the Hotel/Estate region, and the Miscellaneous Buildings region already. Now we go for the ridiculous side hustle region.

Does an actual billionaire need a to sell telemarketed steaks? No. And yet here we are.

(1) Truth Social v. (8) Apprentice Residuals

The social media network that Trump started during a hissy fit with Twitter just went public, earning the Donald a healthy paper profit on day one. Investors scrambled to make sure they could tell their grandkids that they were in on the ground floor of monetizing a racist chatroom. And then the grandkids said, “OK boomer” and moved on.

Trump’s rise to relevancy began when NBC gave him a reality show. While none of the episodes involved paying off porn stars or keeping separate valuations to scam lenders, Trump played the part of a passably competent businessman. Are the residuals going to get New York a lot of money? No. Will it piss off Trump? Yes.

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(2) The Plane v. (7) Trump Vodka

From the moment this competition hit the site, people have backchanneled us to demand “The Plane.” We heard you.

Generally, whenever you fly out of New York, you can see the sad Trump airplane sitting on the tarmac. Trump used to run an airline that went between NY, Boston, and DC. You’re going to be shocked to learn that a Donald Trump-run business ended in debt and failure. But he still uses that plane.

Did you know this guy had a Vodka brand? How does anyone lose money on a Vodka brand? It’s potato juice and water! I thought that this was another defunct brand like the steaks but apparently it’s still sold in Israel where it has a lot of popularity as a non-grain option during Passover.

It turns out that the brand had a bunch of non-kosher ingredients which is the most Trump outcome ever.

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(3) The USFL Check v. (6) The Shoes

Donald Trump owned a USFL franchise and proved instrumental in murdering the league. The short version is that Trump pushed the spring football league to move into direct competition with the NFL in the fall all so they could file an antitrust suit. Which the USFL won! For $1, which was trebled to $3. The check has never been cashed. Trump’s share of the award wouldn’t get him a cup of coffee let alone satisfy a judgment, but we’re talking about pissing him off here and there are few symbolic gestures that better strike at the core of his garbage business acumen.

Though the shoes might be right there! Look at these stupid things…

Trump is selling these for $400 in a naked bid to collect money to pay lawyers. He didn’t even really “make” them. He asked for pre-orders and committed to make the shoes once a minimum was satisfied. But he also put red soles on them which is… not a smart IP move.

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(4) Sam Alito v. (5) Trump cards

I don’t know how the NYAG would seize a human being, but Alito is one of the most valuable Trump assets and his own originalist leanings would justify human ownership.

Is anyone stupid enough to buy NFTs in the year of our Lord 2024? Apparently yes.

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And with that we have a full bracket.

Get voting. All round 1 brackets are open until Friday, March 29 at 9:00 am Eastern.

Earlier: Which Donald Trump Asset Seizures Will Tick Him Off The Most: A Bracket
Let’s Seize Some Donald Trump Properties!
Which Of Donald Trump’s Assets Will Be The Most Fun To Seize?

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Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.