Courts, Government

A Conversation With A President Who Has Absolute Immunity

$21 million goes a lot further than it used to...

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lot of money bags“Good morning, Mr. President. Could we pull up a second chair so I have a place to put the sack of money that I brought with me?”
“Sure; here you go. What’s that all about?”
“It’s 20 million bucks. The first five million is for you if you’ll talk to the Department of Justice about investigating my ex-wife.”
“Are you trying to bribe me?!?”
“Absolutely.”
“That’s illegal!”
“Not for you, it’s not. Yesterday, the Supreme Court said that talking to the Department of Justice is one of your core constitutional duties. If you’re criminally prosecuted, the fact that I paid you is admissible in court, but what you did for the money is not admissible. Since a prosecutor couldn’t mention that you ordered the Justice Department to prosecute my wife, you could never be convicted. You get off scot-free.”
“Hmmm. What did your ex-wife do?”
“Nothing. I just want her to suffer the stress and expense of a federal investigation. And grand juries will supposedly indict ham sandwiches. If my ex-wife has to go to trial for something — anything — that would be wonderful. Here’s 5 million bucks. Will you talk to the Department of Justice about indicting her?
“Sure thing. What else did you want to talk about?”
“I need 50,000 American troops on the border of Nigeria.”
“What? What do you have in mind?”
“I don’t really want to say. But it would be worth another 5 million bucks to me if you’d order the army to surround Nigeria with 50,000 troops.”
“I don’t have the power to declare war. That’s Congress’s duty.”
“You don’t have to declare war. Just 50,000 troops on the border for 30 days.   You can order the military to do that. The rest will take care of itself. Trust me.”
“Can I be prosecuted?”

“If talking to the Department of Justice is a core constitutional duty, then talking to the military is obviously the same. Nobody could mention in court that you sent the military to Nigeria, so nobody could convict you.”

“Hand over the 5 million.”
“Here you go. I’d also like to be ambassador to France.”
“What?”
“The Supreme Court says that appointing ambassadors is a core constitutional duty. And we’re talking another 5 million bucks here. What do you say?”
“Bonjour, Monsieur l’Ambassadeur.”
“Merci. One last thing: Although you can’t be prosecuted for any of the things we’ve just discussed or any of the money you’ve just taken, I could be prosecuted — I’m not the president. So I’ll give you the last 5 million bucks if you grant me a pardon for all of my conduct during this meeting.”
“You’ve got it! It’s been a pleasure talking to you. By the way, I own a hotel across the street. Do you mind booking 50 nights there?”
“You can’t say that! That’s coercion! You’re the president! That’s illegal! And that’s unofficial business, so you could be criminally prosecuted for that! Just ask the Supreme Court.”
“Oh, sorry. Forget about it. I never said that. But could you give me another million for the pardon?”
“No problem. Granting pardons is a core constitutional duty. You’re safe; I’m safe. Here’s the million.”
“It was a pleasure doing business with you. Don’t forget to take your sack with you when you leave. You may need it when we meet again next month.”

Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and later oversaw litigation, compliance and employment matters at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Drug and Device Product Liability Litigation Strategy (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at [email protected].

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