Have Politics Caused You To Root Against Us?

I’ve lived in this country for a long time.

I’m usually on our side. I’m still mad about the U.S.-Soviet basketball game at the 1972 Olympics. I’m still delighted by the Miracle on Ice in 1980. Whether or not the war was justified, I wanted us to win in Iraq. Same for Afghanistan.

So why do I now occasionally feel myself rooting against us?

Take Canada, for example. Canada hasn’t done anything to us. The country is a great ally. The people are generally nice. I love the Stratford Shakespeare Festival. (Have you ever visited the small town near Stratford that’s named “Shakespeare,” where the highway sign reads: “The Hamlet of Shakespeare”? The whole country has a sense of humor.) There’s no real problem with either illegal immigrants or fentanyl coming over the border. There’s just no reason to pick a fight with those guys.

But Donald Trump says he wants to make Canada the 51st state, and he’s started referring to the prime minister as “governor.”

Maybe Trump thinks that’s funny.

Ha, ha.

Or maybe Mayor Trump is serious. Maybe Trump figures that he’d be known as a great president if he brought Canada, and its land and resources, into the union.

Trump’s trade war with Canada sure makes it feel like he’s serious. Trump picked a fight immediately — right after the election — saying that he’d impose 25% tariffs on all imports from Canada to cause Canada to secure the border. Then he said the tariffs were meant to restore American manufacturing. And then he said that Canada is ripping us off. But now he’s saying that Canada should become the 51st state, and there wouldn’t be any tariffs at all.

Is Trump really trying to coerce, or economically cripple, one of our greatest allies?

I just don’t get it. There’s a piece of me that’s on Canada’s side. Maybe it would be good if Canada handed the United States its ass. Why don’t we join Canada’s effort to hurt Republicans in swing states by refusing to buy orange juice (Florida) and bourbon (Kentucky)? Why not? Orange juice has too much sugar, and there’s always scotch. Screw us.

Or how about Greenland? What the heck did Greenland do to us?

But Trump wants to take over Greenland, and he said in his address to Congress that we’d get Greenland “one way or the other.” What the heck? Is Trump really threatening a peaceful neighbor that’s never done anything to us?

Maybe he’s joking.

Ha, ha.

But maybe he’s serious.

I’m not quite sure what an American can do to help Greenland’s cause, but somebody should suggest something. A piece of me is on Greenland’s side. Maybe I should take my next vacation in Nuuk, to pump some money into the Greenland economy. Or maybe I could buy some more of a Greenland export: Do they make some booze in Greenland that could replace my bourbon?

It’s funny: Not only do I occasionally find myself rooting against my country, but I also sometimes find myself rooting against my own financial self-interest.

Selective tariffs might occasionally make sense. We may need tariffs to safeguard our national security. We may need tariffs to shield critical domestic industries. There might be a couple of other times tariffs make sense, too.

But what Trump is doing with tariffs — imposing them indiscriminately on our allies, using them to coerce Canada to join the United States, using them to make Colombia accept military planes carrying deportees, and the like — is insanity. What will stop Trump from doing crazy tariff stuff? The stock market!

So I find myself rooting against my own 401(k) plan. I’m delighted that the stock market is crashing, and I’m becoming poorer, because I think this may cause Trump to act rationally.

I can’t believe what’s happening.  

On many of today’s issues, I’m rooting against me. I want self-harm.

Even though I’m still pissed off that the referees replayed the final three seconds of that basketball game three times to let the Soviets beat us on a last-second shot.

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Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and later oversaw litigation, compliance and employment matters at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Drug and Device Product Liability Litigation Strategy (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at [email protected].