A Poem About Emoluments

I am but a small town lawyer.

I represent a small employer.

He gives me a bottle of 40 year Malt[1].

Must I refuse him, what is at fault?

The question hinges on a single bar rule

That I don’t remember from law school.

Is it substantial, what do you think?

I hope it’s OK, I’d like that drink.

Client gifts are presumed to be fraud.

W.T.F.? Oh my God!

Wait, are you serious, what’s the risk?

I will not be unduly influenced.

Come on, for reals, this cannot be so.

I’m taking the scotch, come at me bro!

It’s time for me to provide you a list,

If these items are OK, I’ll really be pissed.

Real Estate holdings open for rent.

Diplomatic advantage from money spent.

Foreign banks with much money lent.

Seriously, that’s not an emolument?

Turkish hotel owners connected to gain.

And he’s fighting the wind farms in Aberdeen[2]!

His son, whom he enlisted, to be his head guy

Was interviewing candidates for the D.O.I.[3]

As for me, I want this booze!

I’d even be willing to share with Ted Cruz.[4]

If I have some big folders and Sheri Dillon

Does that mean I get to drink my Macallan?

[1] Obviously I mean single malt, but it would throw off whatever exists of this rhyme scheme if I were to write that. I am tendering my poetic license.

[2] It rhymes. You have to do a bad Scottish accent, but it rhymes.

[3] Department of Interior, whose policies affect foreign companies, big league.

[4] Again, poetic license. I am fairly certain that if my only option to receive the scotch required that it be consumed with Ted Cruz, I would forego receipt of the scotch and cite a cautious reading of applicable bar rules.

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Atticus T. Lynch, Esq. is an attorney in Any Town, Any State, U.S.A. He did not attend a top ten law school. He’s a litigator who’d like to focus on Employment and Municipal Litigation, but the vicissitudes of business cause him to “focus” on anything that comes in the door. He can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter