Mr. President, I’m Your New Press Secretary

I am writing to apply for the job of Press Secretary. I know that you believe you have filled the position, using Sean Spicer as your mouthpiece. Let me assure you that the civilized world is underwhelmed with your selection. He has already lost credibility by employing strategies that make him, and you, seem like you are both playing fast and loose with the facts (what people outside of the mainstream media call “lying.”) The first part of this letter will explain why he looks like he is lying. The second part of this letter will explain why and how I’ll do a better job at it.

But first, why does he look like he is lying? Because he is! Kellyanne Conway has suggested that he is presenting “alternative facts.” Spicer has suggested he can sometimes “disagree with the facts.” But, much like hips (with apologies to Shakira), facts of a certain type do not lie.

For example, let’s suppose I drop a ball. We can record and measure the initial velocity of the ball, which is gravity, or 9.8 meters/second². If someone disputes that the ball is falling at that velocity (minus some quibbles about friction coefficients), they are lying. Let’s call this the “crowd size” fact or verifiable fact.

There are other facts that are not verifiable. Let’s suppose I’m on trial for murder. One witness puts me at the scene of the crime, while my alibi witness says I was watching Big Bang Theory with him at his apartment. One of them is clearly wrong, but we will not be able to go back and observe the event in question (the murder). Let’s call this an unverifiable fact. The witnesses here may be lying or mistaken. But we’ll never know for sure.

Your press secretary fails because he keeps challenging the verifiable facts. This is a terrible strategy. Everyone knows your crowds (not your hands, not your hands!) were small. That’s a verifiable fact. Challenging that just makes you seem like you are lying.

So, let us compare Mr. Spicer’s answers to ones I would give if I were your press secretary. You decide who is better charged to be your Press Secretary.

Crowd Size:

Mr. Spicer: White floor coverings were first used here (wrong). The crowd estimates were much larger than the media portrayed (wrong). Security slowed people (also wrong). Insert long list of excuses here.

As I said in a tweet, Mr. Spicer isn’t the first man to lie about size, but there’s a better approach.

Me: President Trump’s supporters aren’t people who can take time off work for inaugurations. They are hardworking people who don’t even have time to watch television, unless it’s for something really important like football. Besides, they already know what the President is going to do, and have faith in him.

See? No one can verify who your supporters are and what they are all doing. The story falls apart.

Illegal Votes

You said: Millions of unauthorized illegal voters robbed me of the popular vote.

Me: Russian interference robbed the President of the popular vote! They did so by making it look like he was in cahoots with them. Thus, the Russians employed a reverse psychology campaign designed to undermine the President. And the liberal lame-stream media bought it. I think it’s clear they were really supporting Secretary Clinton.

See? No one can prove that my story didn’t happen, especially after you force all the career intelligence analysts to leave the agencies. Your story, however, is easily disproven.

Federal Hiring Freeze:

Spicer: There has been a “dramatic expansion of the federal workforce in recent years.” Again, this is flat out wrong, and verifiably so.

Me: It’s time government learned to do what hardworking Americans have had to do for decades: Make do with what they’ve got.

You see how easy this can be? Play into the stereotype of a bloated government, but without deploying statements that can be easily disproven.

Climate Change

You: Climate change isn’t real.

But, Mr. President, then you go and make it seem like you suppressing information about climate change! The EPA is no longer giving out grants. The CDC canceled a conference on climate change and health. Let’s try my strategy.

Me: The election of President Trump has been a breath of fresh air, thus eliminating the need for discussions of air quality. Also the Secretary of State will host an international conference on climate change. He knows a few people to make the seemingly overwhelming scientific evidence more “fair and balanced.”

My advice to you: Please stop with the lies. Try “spin” instead. My salary is negotiable, Mr. President. I look forward from hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Lawprofblawg

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LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here and on Twitter. Email him at [email protected].