Dearies,
It’s been a long time since you’ve written to me! You used to send me postcards around the (U.S. News and World Report) holiday season! Some of you are diligent in remembering me, but others of you have been too busy to write to me.
That’s okay. I understand. I know you all are very busy, with your amazing publications and your speaking engagements! So, I did some searching to find your accomplishments so I can print them out to put on my icebox! I would have called you, but you were so busy I suspect you were out of the office.
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According to your schools’ faculty brochures, all of you are very “prolific,” and have “extraordinary” levels of publication. Your scholarship is “far reaching” with “real-world impact” demonstrated by citations or downloads. Your scholarship is just amazing in terms of depth and breadth! I’m so very proud of all of you! If I could, I would buy myself 200 iceboxes just to put up all of your publications!
Dears, some of your schools highlight everything that you’ve ever published. Some of it you published back in the day I was young! Other schools only list “recent” faculty scholarship. That makes me sad because then I don’t get to see all of you, but I do get to see some of you A LOT. Some of you publish five or six articles a year! Gosh, I barely even have time to read them all! And seeing how busy everyone else is, the same must be true of your academic brothers and sisters!
How do you come up with all your clever titles? Sure, a lot of you are “rethinking” or “reconsidering” things that are “disruptions” of some sort or another. I just think you should just do what the movies do. You could have Episode II or Part 2 or Volume 3.
That’s okay. I know that you’re an artist. You like to write! So I say, good for you, dearies! I just hope you sometime stop and smell the roses. Or at least I hope you all are taking time to read each other’s work! We’re all not getting any younger!
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I was reading the other day that your uncle Johnny died. He was a law professor. I guess it runs in the family! You know, you’re half his age and you already have THREE TIMES as many articles as uncle Johnny did. I guess times change, don’t they?
I was reading your academic sister’s article on “race to the top” theory or something like that. At my age, I can’t remember what I read yesterday! But I seem to recall it was something like Lake Wobegon! I hope you all aren’t killing a lot of trees. Or maybe you don’t even print out your writing any more. It’s been a while since I got a reprint. You might be too busy writing your next article to send them out!
Goodness, dearies, I can’t imagine what the world will be like in 2050, if we survive global warming or climate change or whatever we’re calling it now. If your kids go into the family business, will they have to write 14 articles a year? Is that even possible? I guess maybe if you don’t use two spaces after a period it goes faster. The young and their shortcuts!
On the faculty cards I have received, I have to say you all look so lovely! You look very serious and forward-thinking. And your bios make me SO proud. All of you are nationally and internationally recognized experts! I can’t wait to tell my friends here at Shady Acres how you all have worked so hard! To imagine that everyone in your field knows you and has read all of your work, comparing it to all the other work out there, to give you that special honor!
Now, dearies, I worry about some of you. A lot of you are moving around. I could have SWORN I saw you at several different law schools in the past few years. Are you not happy? I hope you are. Because life is about being happy! I can tell from some of your bio pics that some of you are just not happy. Turn those frowns upside down!
I have to say, that I’m not at ALL happy about some of the ways these new fangled cards have changed. You used to send me beautiful cards with pictures of you all in nice suits standing by library books. Now, most of the cards I get are just lists. Are you all writing so much we can’t even have beautiful pictures of your local scenery/law building/faculty looking studious? That would be a shame, dears. And sometimes I even have to Yahoo! search for on your law school’s web page.
I wanted to tell you all that you are doing an amazing job, and I couldn’t be more proud of you. I was talking to a friend here whose daughter teaches in a middle school. Do you know how she’s valued? By how many of her students do well on some standardized test! Can you imagine if your scholarship were measured in such a silly fashion?
Well, it’s bingo night here, so I better sign off for now. Do send me your most recent publications. I enjoy reading all of them.
Love,
Grandma
LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top-100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at [email protected].