Health / Wellness

Back To Work And Back To School

The normal mom guilt still exists, but now I have found myself feeling guilty when we are doing okay and when the days are not just impossible. 

By April Kelso  
on

Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome April Kelso back to our pages. Click here if you’d like to donate to MothersEsquire.

Here we are. We made it to October. I don’t know about you, but it seems like with each turn of the calendar page, we are faced with new challenges and new obstacles. My family spent 12 blissful (read: very hard and stressful) weeks being “safer at home” in Oklahoma. Two full-time working adults. One first grader doing distance learning and virtual dance class and learning to ride a bike. Plus one very busy toddler who learned to walk in the midst of it all. It was not easy, but it felt like we were all in it together. We baked a million loaves of bread and countless batches of macaroons. We left surprises for friends on their porches. The good old days before we all knew the terrors of Zoom fatigue or had our first disagreement with opposing counsel about virtual depositions.

Fast forward to now. We have been living with this thing for (at least) seven months now. Masks are the latest fashion trend and somehow remain a constant topic of debate in this country. We are getting in to the swing of our “new normal.” But, to be honest, who really likes this “new normal”? And what does that even mean? I do not know about you all, but figuring out this “new normal” feels something like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. We are expected to do all the things we were doing pre-pandemic but in some new magical way that will somehow keep us all safe. We are back in the office, we are back in the courthouse, we are back to mediations and depositions. Our kids are “back” to school but for most people that looks completely different.

This other new thing that I have discovered is a new type of mom guilt, as if we did not have enough of that before! The normal mom guilt still exists, but now I have found myself feeling guilty when we are doing okay and when the days are not just impossible.

I consider our family very lucky that both my husband and I were able not only to keep our jobs but were able to work exclusively from home for 12 weeks — to put that in perspective, that is longer than my two maternity leaves combined. I know so many friends and family members who lost jobs or were not afforded the choice to stay home. Insert “we have jobs” guilt and “we can work from home” guilt.

So far, our school district has taken a relatively educated and cautious approach to returning to school. But I know it is not the perfect plan for everyone. Hello “I agree with the school board” guilt.

For the record, I know that this school year is HARD. For EVERYONE. Our second grader does her virtual days at daycare and even though they do a fantastic job of facilitating virtual learning, it is still more on our plate. We have to make sure to give a list of what needs to be done every day and, despite their best efforts, there is always more to be done at night. Have you ever tried to get a second grader to focus on ANYTHING at 6:30 p.m. after both of you have had a long day? When you both would rather be doing anything but writing four things you know about tornadoes? When you have a husband who wants dinner and a toddler who just wants everyone to be quiet so she can watch Elsa for the millionth time? Not to mention having to navigate a half-dozen apps to get it all accomplished? If you can relate, you too probably have “so what is the real risk of going back to traditional school” guilt.

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In my state, the courts are open for business, so litigation must go on. That means we are participating in hearings and depositions and meetings and mediations. Even with all the technology options, there are some things that are still being done in person. I wear my mask and wash my hands, but it still makes me anxious that I am bringing germs home to my family. So, I am also working through the “did I just catch COVID at work” guilt.

Our family has really tried to just embrace and enjoy all the togetherness. I am so thankful that I got to witness all of our toddler’s first steps and had time to teach our second grader to ride a bike this spring. I am thankful for opportunities to explore our state together. But sometimes I just want to be alone. Can anyone else relate? I love my family and recognize how lucky we were/are to have all the time together. But is it bad if I want to call a babysitter to have a date night with my husband? Or if I want to linger just a little longer down the aisles of Target (wearing a mask, of course)? This is the “I love my kids but I just really want to be alone” guilt.

Other types of guilt that deserve honorable mention include: I miss my friends but not enough to potentially get us all sick guilt, totally forgot about that Zoom call guilt, but what about the holidays guilt, and I just cannot cook one more meal at home guilt.

2020 is rapidly coming to an end. I am going to try to make these last 90 or so days a little better. I am going to work on letting go of some of the guilt. But more importantly I am going to try and get back to what made the 12 weeks at home better — more baking, more porch surprises for friends, and more exploring the great outdoors.

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April Kelso is a graduate of the University of Tulsa College of Law. April joined Pierce Couch Hendrickson Baysinger and Green in 2017. She is a girl mom two times over and loves adventuring with her husband and daughters. When not working, she can be found baking, covering something in glitter, playing another round of Uno with her six-year-old, or volunteering at her church. You can email her at [email protected] or follow along with her on Instagram @mrsaprilkelso.

 

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