Federal Judges

* From Fuller House to the Big House? Actor John Stamos was arrested for driving under the influence and briefly hospitalized this weekend. Listen, Uncle Jesse, we know you’re still a celebrity, per se, but as Joey Gladstone would say, you really need to cut it out, capice? [Variety]

* “You’re right, I am the man.” Former U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder received a warm reception during his keynote at the American Constitution Society convention’s opening gala this weekend when an audience member shouted out, “Eric Holder, you the man!” [Legal Times]

* Lawyers, here’s a useful practice pointer on “reverse sexism.” Per a new study, men on three-judge panels of federal appellate courts tend to “view women as damsels in distress who need their protection,” but are much harsher on male litigants. [WSJ Law Blog]

* More law schools are opening solo incubators and firms, boosting their employment stats and losing hundreds of thousands of dollars along the way. Rutgers Law lost $100K, but it’s a small price to pay to make it look like your grads get “jobs.” [Associated Press]

* “Time to engage counsel?” This is the question that parents are being forced to ask themselves in the face of legal liability waivers for post-prom parties. Seriously? Man, am I glad I was in high school before parents became contractual killjoys. [New York Times]

* The number of law school applicants and applications continues to plummet, with applicants down by 2.5 percent and the volume of applications down by 4.6 percent since last year. For the love of God, students are staying away for a reason. Do some research, people. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Lawyers may be thanking their lucky stars for loan repayment programs like IBR and PAYE, but when their cancellation of debt income comes back to bite them in the ass in the form of a “tax bomb” as early as 2032, they’re going to be crying for mercy. [TaxProf Blog]

* If the Supreme Court rules against same-sex marriage, life could devolve into chaos for gay and lesbian couples. Sure, SCOTUS could do that, or “a giant meteor could fall on [your] head in the next five seconds,” but one is more likely to happen than the other. [AP]

* You had one job, Dean Cercone… ONE JOB! After recommending against accreditation back in May, the ABA convened this week to officially deny provisional accreditation to Indiana Tech Law. Its handful of students will be so disappointed. [Indiana Lawyer]

* Ex-House Speaker Dennis Hastert pleaded not guilty in his sex scandal cover-up case and was released on $4,500 bond. Interestingly enough, the judge has volunteered to remove himself due to some potential issues over his impartiality. [New York Times]

* If you’re having trouble making payments on your law school debt, don’t fall prey to a loan-relief scam. You may already be six figures in the hole, but you should take this quiz to see if you’re about to lose your shirt — yet again. [U.S. News & World Report]

* For the second time in two years, the ABA will reconsider whether law students should be able to receive pay for credit-bearing externships. Come on already, give these people a chance to make a buck before they graduate. [National Law Journal]

* Here’s an important memo for Judge Mark Fuller of the Middle District of Alabama: Just so you know, if you don’t resign on August 1 as promised, the House Judiciary Committee is probably going to bring impeachment proceedings against you. HTH. [Daily Report]

* It’s not a merger (yet), they’re just “exploring synergies”: Albany Law School and SUNY Albany will affiliate in order to help students from both schools. Check out the memo, complete with an exploding fellowship offer for new students. [Albany Business Review]

* Vice is suing a small business named Virtue Marketing, alleging trademark infringement. Apparently the media company’s in-house marketing agency is also called Virtue. Hey, Vice, just change the name to Greed and you’ll be set. [THR, Esq. / Hollywood Reporter]

* A litigant with a Supreme pimp hand? Darius Clark, the man whose child-abuse case — which is currently before SCOTUS — will determine whether teachers may testify of behalf children, was indicted for allegedly running a prostitution ring from jail. [Northeast Ohio Media Group]

* Judge Mark Fuller of the Middle District of Alabama was arrested last summer on domestic violence charges after his wife confronted him about an alleged affair with a law clerk. What a gent! He’ll be resigning from the bench August 1. [USA Today]

* You can roll your eyes at Rand Paul all you want, but several key parts of the Patriot Act expired shortly after midnight because the Senate was unable to reach a deal to extend it. (FYI, DOJ may still use grandfathered privacy-poaching techniques.) [New York Times]

* “Nothing changes. The system is disgusting. There is no due process.” Do you want to read the story that made Cuba’s government ban an American legal journalist from any further coverage of the country’s court system? Of course you do. [Daily Business Review]

* “I can’t preserve caution in my delight with Ruth.” This is what retired Justice David Souter wrote about Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s performance after her first week on the bench. He already knew back then that she was no-no-no-NOTORIOUS. [Boston Globe]

* Ex-House Speaker Dennis Hastert, who recently resigned from Dickstein Shapiro following his indictment, was allegedly paying a former student “hundreds of thousands of dollars” to keep quiet about past sexual abuse at the politician’s hands. [New York Times]

* Beau Biden, former state attorney general of Delaware, major in the Delaware Army National Guard’s JAG Corps, and son of Vice President Joe Biden, RIP. [Washington Post]

* Thus far, five law schools — Hawaii, Iowa, St. John’s, Drake, and Buffalo — have decided to drop the LSAT for top-performing applicants, and it’s no surprise that all five law schools have watched their enrollment numbers take traumatic tumbles. [Bloomberg Business]

* “[E]veryone calls colleagues for advice, particularly when we get gnarly jury notes.” As it turns out, judges in the Southern District of New York are big proponents of the “phone a friend” lifeline for their trickier cases. FYI, those friends are never law profs. [New York Times]

* Well, that was incredibly quick! Josh Seiter, the 2013 graduate of Chicago-Kent Law who’s built a successful career stripping, working as an escort, and appearing on reality TV shows, didn’t even make it past the first rose ceremony on The Bachelorette. [Heavy]

* Without WARNing? Butler & Hosch, one of the largest foreclosure firm’s in the country, decided to abruptly close up shop, leaving hundreds of attorneys and staff members of out work. Sources have told us that the firm was unable to make payroll. [Orlando Sentinel]

* Sorry, boutiques, but according to Lexis/Nexis CounselLink’s Enterprise Legal Management Trends report, the biggest of all Biglaw firms are controlling the market when it comes to performing specialized IP litigation work. [DealBook / New York Times]

* As we mentioned previously, Sam Kamin of Denver Law is the first professor to hold a pot law professorship. Here’s an interesting Q&A with the law firm partner who came up with the idea. See Prof. Kamin at our marijuana law event in June. [National Law Journal]

* The job market may be “improving,” but people aren’t going to start applying to law school in droves any time soon. There’s been a 40 percent drop in applicants since 2005, and according to LSAC’s latest data, “the downward spiral is still… spiraling.” [WSJ Law Blog]

* Lines to see what could be one of the most historic arguments before the Supreme Court started forming last Friday, but the rest of the country will have to sit back and wait until June to see if a constitutional right to same-sex marriage will be declared. [Reuters]

* Kris Jenner was just hit with a six-figure lawsuit thanks to model Kendall Jenner’s 19th birthday party, which was allegedly complete with more than 100 guests and a male stripper. Don’t worry, mom, the stripper already spanked your daughter. [Ministry of Gossip / Los Angeles Times]

* The latest edition of the Am Law 100 rankings are out, and it looks like gross revenue, revenue per lawyer, and profits per partner are on the way up at most firms. You’ll never believe which firm is the new No. 1. We’ll have more on this later. [American Lawyer]

* Hey, here’s some info you’ve never heard before now! People who graduated from law school in 2010 are still screwed because they’re drowning in debt and some have never worked as lawyers! Never fear, the New York Times is on it! [DealBook / New York Times]

* “Obviously, the concussion affected my judgment — oops, I shouldn’t say that, given my day job.” At 92 years of age, Judge Robert Sweet of the S.D.N.Y. splits his time between legal pirouettes in the courtroom and skating pirouettes on the ice. [New York Times]

* “It’s time for restraint of the federal government’s over-aggressive weed warriors.” States that have legalized pot are tired of the Feds prosecuting their citizens, and that’s what the Respect State Marijuana Laws Act of 2015 aims to stop from happening. [High Times]

* “[L]awyers are naturally drawn to writing because we spend our days working with words.” If you’re a lawyer thinking about writing a legal thriller in your spare time, you’re not alone. Just ask Scott Turow and our very own David Lat. [National Law Journal]