Crime, Food, Masturbation, Nauseating Things

So You Like To Swallow...

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Ranch dressing? Some news out of Wheaton, Illinois, which gives a whole new meaning to the term “creamy ranch”:

A high school student is facing criminal charges after school officials say he ejaculated into the cafeteria salad dressing.

Marco Castro, 17, was charged with one count each of attempted aggravated battery and disorderly conduct, both misdemeanors, Wheaton police said.

Castro is accused of spiking a container of cafeteria salad dressing at Wheaton North High School with his own semen last week.

Castro’s mistake: he whacked off into the RANCH dressing. Had he done it to the bleu cheese, no one would have been the wiser.
Some practice questions for anyone studying for a Crim Law final:

1. Assuming the doctored salad dressing was eaten, is Castro guilty of battery?

2. If you are Castro’s defense lawyer, what possible defenses would you want to explore with your client?

3. What additional facts would you need to know about each possible defense?

Please place your answers in the comments. Thanks.
Update: This disturbing episode has tort law implications, too. How educational!
Student Faces Charges In Semen-In-Dressing Case [CBS2 (Chicago) via Drudge Report (of course)]
Student Accused Of Putting Bodily Fluids In Food [CBS2 (Chicago)]
Raunch Dressing: llinois H.S. senior to be charged for de-fouling creamy condiment [The Smoking Gun]

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