Associate Advice, Cars, pls hndle thx, Summer Associates

Pls Hndle Thx: Pimp My Ride

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL-
I’m a summer associate in Texas (3,500 sq. ft., wife, etc) and I drive to work where I park my car in the office’s parking lot. My car is a 2005 BMW. Should I be concerned about looking like a jackass?
Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car

Dear Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car,
You should always be concerned about looking like a jackass, whether it’s rolling up to work in a Beemer or wearing a fedora at Sunday brunch. In any other year, normal associates might look forward to the summer class arriving; but this year, the summers are viewed as intruders, freshly arrived to snatch associates’ jobs out from under them. Despite the ludicrous scavenger hunts and game nights concocted in your honor, make no mistake; you’re persona non grata at terra law firma, and your goal this summer should be to be as unobtrusive as possible. Your car should reflect your humility as well as your groundling status at the firm, and a BMW, no matter how ancient, will never do that. You’ll need to lease, but what should you get?
Driving up in a car of the Ferrari/Lamborghini/Lotus ilk is obviously out, since you’re not Richard Gere from Pretty Woman and this is not a “dream date” with Jillian on the The Bachelorette. Jaguars are for eccentric billionaires, Ford Probes are for high school sleazebags and Mercury Sables are for drug dealers. Since you’re in Texas, you may be tempted to trade in your BMW for a pickup truck, but I strenuously advise against this since pickups indicate that spend your free time listening to Toby Keith while patrolling the Mexico border with a rifle and Coonhound named Rusty. Toyota Priuses are for wimps, and minivans are for people who drive carpool or own florist shops. DeLoreans, Pintos, GMs and other cars that are dangerous and/or no longer made are always cool.
When I worked as an intern in Newark, I drove a 1997 teal Toyota Camry with Cobra rims (not kidding). The smooth handling and tape deck made many people very jealous, and when someone stole my front left rim, I learned firsthand the dangers of driving flashy cars. Go with something junky, like a Kia or an Isuzu, but if you don’t feel like shelling out the extra cash, your best bet is a Huffy. Get the one with the basket so you can take your laptop home.
Your friend,
Marin
Elie loses his sh*t while parallel parking, after the jump.

To say your car is an important status symbol severely underestimates the car’s central importance to American culture. Quite frankly, rolling around in a Kia is the easiest way to say “I’ve totally given up,” without putting on pounds and wearing sweatpants.
Now, obviously, it’s the middle of a recession, and there is no way you can justify making a significant automotive purchase on the strength of a summer associate gig. So you are likely stuck with whatever you’ve been using in law school. In law school, I rolled in a 1992 powder blue Cadillac Fleetwood. And I could parallel park that baby like I was on performance-enhancing spatial awareness drugs. Of course, I’m generally not to be trifled with.
The most important thing is that your car signify some characteristic about yourself of which you are proud, something you want others to know about you. If you are stuck with the car that you have, then really the only thing you can do is change your personality to fit your crappy ride. This shouldn’t be too hard. There is something about you that made you buy/lease that car in the first place, and hopefully that something is positive. Figure out what it is and highlight.
If you’re rocking the ’05 BMW, every time you get into it around people you should mutter, “I can’t believe everybody thinks this is new. It’s a certified, pre-owned BMW you jackasses.” If you’ve got a GM model, you need to deck that out with American flags and talk about how you are doing your part to help the economy recover, and you hope your firm will do the same. If you are driving a Lexus, well, you just have to pay the $200 to a body shop to get the “u” replaced so you can drive a “Lexis.”
Whatever you drive, I had to sell that Caddy when I moved to NYC full time. So, I’m totally jealous.
Don’t worry, everything is going to be fine this summer.
Rick Wagoner

I agree that there should be, and usually is, some crossover between one’s car and one’s personality. There’s a reason that my hunky high school gym teacher drove a Chrysler LeBaron, but the nuns at the church across the street from my apartment drive an AMC Eagle. If you drive an ’05 BMW to the office, you’re signaling to the partnership that you’re the kind of guy who rather buy a certified, pre-owned douchemobile than a practical, down to earth Nissan Altima. Just remember, nobody can judge you if you drive a Honda Accord. Nobody.

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