pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx: Nope, No Jobs Yet

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL,
I just started law school. I won’t say which one because your readers will call me “TTT.” I’ve read about how terrible the 2L job market is, about the non-existent 3L job market, and about the awful legal economy. But I’m at law school anyway — trust me, it is better than being a lumberjack.
My question is, what can I do to increase my chances of getting a job *this* summer, after my 1L year. Already the career services dean is saying I should “broaden my horizons” and look at secondary markets. But if I wanted to live in bumfuck — again, I’d be cutting wood instead of sitting in a classroom all day. Even if I can’t get a 1L SA position, what can I do 1L summer to make me a more attractive candidate during 2L recruiting?
It might sound weird, but I honestly want the status and respect of being a corporate litigator living in a major city. I don’t feel entitled to that life, I just want to do whatever I can to make that happen. Aside from grades, what can I do?
Logjamin

Dear Logjamin,
I saw this question and nearly punched my monitor but restrained myself because I paid for this computer. Seriously, does anybody even read this column? Turn off your Pandora for a hot minute and read this very carefully: THERE ARE NO JOBS TO BE HAD. They’re not on Monster.com, they’re not on Craigslist. They’re not hiding under some rock guarded by elves in Iceland. Elie and I aren’t hogging them just in case the blogging gigs don’t pan out. There. Are. No. Legal. Jobs. Anywhere. Is that clear? Crystal.
Not sure where you heard about these alleged “1L jobs” because as far as I know there never WERE1L SA jobs – even before economic Armageddon. When I was in law school,1L recruiting consisted of two or three firms rolling up to campus, getting everyone’s hopes up, making people buy itchy suits, conducting sham interviews and hiring no one. It was the oldest scam in the book, along with online dating and Minoxidil. Nobody’s hair ever grew by spraying crap on their head, and nobody ever got a summer associate job through 1L recruiting, either.
For your 1L summer, get creative. Apply to judicial internships (including magistrate, bankruptcy and state judges) – in the jurisdictions where you would consider living. Paper the inboxes of Legal Aid, elder law centers, arts and cultural organizations, humane societies, human rights groups and the other places that clutter your mailbox begging for $15 donations. And if all else fails, the economy hasn’t gotten so bad that you can’t find a job doing something, somewhere. I happen to have a sweet hook up at the Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo, NY so if you’re interested for summer 2010, two-way me and I’ll put you in touch.
Your friend,
Marin
Elie agrees with me OR ELSE, after the jump.

Allow me to echo Marin’s sentiments. You are totally screwed for this summer. There is a better chance that Marin will allow you to take her out on an affordable date than you will score a 1L summer associate position.
What you should do is spend the school year in the gym. Then over the summer you should find the single daughter of a prominent partner at the firm of your choice. You’ll have three months to sweep her off of her feet and marry her. That might give you an outside shot at a 2L summer position.
But if you are not good enough in bed, I suggest you take as many legal clinics as your school offers. Spend your 1L summer networking with high net worth individuals while getting practical experience by working somewhere for free. When you hit 2L recruiting you could look like a person with practical legal experience and contacts that could lead to business. The contacts might help you get an offer next fall, the experience might help you not look like an idiot over the summer.
But really, what is wrong with being a lumberjack? Sooner or later you’ll learn that status isn’t everything. Lumberjacks get to work outdoors, stay in shape, and wear retro flannel clothing without being laughed at.
And chicks dig wood.
Think about it,
— A guy with a lot of wood.

Flannel is in this season, actually. But I can understand your reluctance to be a lumberjack. Terrible hand calluses and very little upward mobility now that Brawny has hired a new cartoon spokeslumbjerjack. But don’t worry, you can still be a lawyer without a 1L job. I think.
Do you have a question for next week’s Pls Hndle Thx? Send it to advice@abovethelaw.com.

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