Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way. Albert Freed (pictured) won a trip to Hawaii (not pictured). As part of the vacation celebration, Mrs. Freed bought her husband some new Hanes brand briefs. But Mr. Freed is a husky gentleman, and apparently the new trunks couldn’t contain all of his junk. He sued Hanes, claiming they made “defective” underwear.
Let me turn it over to Escambia County (FL) Judge Pat Kinsey:
A question for the guys out there: How long would it take you to correct a problem involving sandpaper and your penis? Don’t you think penis chafing is something that requires immediate attention and decisive action?
And while we’re here, how long does it take for you to notice your stuff hanging out where it is not supposed to be?
Check out Albert’s excuse after the jump.
Apparently, Albert Freed is not in touch with his sense of, you know, touch:
Okay, I have a few points. In no particular order:
* I’m a big dude. But I’ve never “lost sight” of my genitals.
* Even if you can’t glance down and see your man-parts, does it really take that much of an effort to crane your neck to sneak a peak? Or suck in your tummy? I just don’t understand how you can lose visual contact with your treasures for a sustained period of time under the cloud of your own corpulence.
* If I’m on vacation and my wang hurts, it is going to ruin my wife’s vacation too. That is a promise I made to myself and my wife in front of God.
* It has never occurred to me that there could be a penis problem that I wouldn’t assess.
* If you call foreplay “examining,” I can see why you’d never do it.
* I’m running out of family-friendly euphemisms for “johnson.”
Freed lost the case. But not before Hanes had to call in some expert testimony:
Maybe one day Hanes will make underwear that can cope with unremitting vertical tension.
In any event:
Wait, there’s video?
My searches did not turn up Freed’s video of these issues. But I didn’t search very much because, quite honestly, the Above the Law health plan doesn’t sufficiently cover the psychological trauma I would suffer watching Albert Freed bulge out of his briefs.
If one of our readers finds it, remember that the comments are hidden for your protection.
Freed v. Hanes [PDF]