Pls Hndle Thx: Eenie Meenie Miney Mo

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com

ATL –

It’s that time of the year again when law school administrators lead law student cattle into the big law meat processing plant: OCI time. I’m a rising 2L at a T-14 law school with decent grades.  My question to you is, how am I supposed to know which firms are good and which aren’t? I know about AmLaw and other types of rankings but I feel like that doesn’t encompass everything. I worked at an auditing firm prior to law school that was ranked “one of the best places to work” by some major magazines… and it sucked ass.

Our career services tells us to go to each firm’s website, but that’s the equivalent of judging whether a girl is hot or not by looking at the Facebook pics of her out on the town. It’s the ones of her during finals that really count. I have no particular subject matter interest, but I do want to work in NY or DC.

Interviews or Bust

Dear Interviews or Bust,

You have “decent” grades and zero practical skills. I would mainly just look for firms willing to hire you. But if you’re going be picky about the place that’s going to cut you checks for sending around the dial-in and bringing copies of attachments to meetings, here are some guidelines on what to look for…

1. Who does the firm send to OCI? The law firm lawyers who actually show up to OCI are usually last-minute replacements for the A-list charismatic and personable lawyers who HR initially begged to go, but got tied up last minute because of work. These people are solid B-listers of unexceptional skill and middling personality, but since people of their ilk usually comprise 98% of a firm’s population, you can get a feel for what your future colleagues at that firm might be like. Are they lifeless husks? Sweaty? Wearing no-iron shirts?

2. Has the firm conducted layoffs, and if so, how did it handle them? If you eliminate all the firms that have conducted layoffs openly or stealthily, you’ll be working at Jones Day. HAHA, jk. It may be impossible to avoid a “shop” that has axed people, so it’s important to consider how a firm conducted the layoffs. Did they secretly book adjoining conference rooms for Committee of Public Safety conveyor belt style layoffs? Did they screw people on severance? Was their press release announcing the cuts sufficiently doleful and garment-rending, or did it include some consultant-speak crap about “natural attrition” and “rightsizing”?

Sponsored

3. Is there a gym in the firm’s building? If the firm is like the spaceship in Wall-E and has in-house drying cleaning, shoe shining, gyms, locker rooms, etc., beware. These may seem like amazing perks, but they’re actually just a ploy to hold you captive on the compound. If they have a gym onsite, that means you don’t won’t to take time off from work to have the lap band surgery. If they’re fixing your shoes at your desk, it’s because they don’t want it to look like they’re billing out homeless people with toes sticking out of holes in their shoes. I summered at a firm that had a gym and I’ve never worked out less or cried harder at my desk in my life.

4. What is the firm doing with the Lost Generation JD 2009 class? Some firms STILL haven’t told their JD 2009s when they’re starting, and some strung them along with the promise of jobs until they pulled the plug last minute. You wouldn’t date someone for a year without having at least one “where is this going” conversation, and if a firm is not willing to have that talk with its deferred associates early on, that’s also a dealbreaker. They shoulda put a ring on it.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

Marin

Sponsored

Wow, this is like a question from 2006. Okay, I’ll bite, I can’t quit you.

Your question raises a number of red flags:

Flag A) “[H]ow am I supposed to know which firms are good and which aren’t?”
Flag B) “I have no particular subject matter interest”
Flag C) “I do want to work in NY or DC.”

At some point law students have to start taking responsibility for their own careers. “Which firms are good”? What are you, five? Can you define your terms of what you a looking for a little more specifically than “good”?

No, you can’t because you “have no particular … interest.” What a WONDERFUL way to start your legal career in the most difficult market for attorneys in a generation. With such apathy, it’s amazing you’re able to maintain a functioning heart rhythm.

For the love of God, you don’t even know where you want to live! New York is the most expensive city in the world and seemingly rises on falls on the strength of the American financial markets. D.C. is a company town and that company is the federal government. You can’t choose between these markedly different cities?

Is this how you ended up in law school? You really want to double down on your strategy of reading magazines to determine “the goodest” thing you can find?

Get your s**t together, man. It’s YOUR LIFE we’re talking about — why not try to be an active participant in it? I have a stronger opinion on whether I’d bang Ennis or Jack than you do about your own life, and I’m not even gay.

Once you figure out what you want to do, where you want to live, and whether or not you have a pulse, then you can start worrying about which law firm is the right fit.

Or just go to Latham. Back in 2006, they were both “good” and cool. Sounds perfect for you.

— Ang Lee

UPDATE: A shameless plug: learn about the different firms by checking out their profiles on the ATL Career Center. Unlike official firm websites, these comprehensive portraits include negative as well positive information about each firm, along with links to recent ATL posts about each place.

Earlier: Prior installments of pls hndle thx