By now it’s ancient news that Virginia “Ginni” Thomas — wife of Justice Clarence Thomas, Tea Party-er, and Heritage Club Foundation member — lost her damn mind and called Anita Hill. Many news outlets have speculated as to what in God’s name could possibly have motivated Ginni to “reach across the airwaves and the years” and ask for an apology, like some creepy ex-boyfriend from high school who hasn’t moved on.
I’ve compiled a list of sung and unsung theories of the phone call and included a reader poll, so that we as a community can determine what really happened, record it in Wikipedia, and get on with our lives. Because, as Ginni herself might say, this is America. And majority rules….
Seven Theories Behind Ginni Thomas’s Call to Anita Hill
1. Christian/Lifespring Theory. Ginni’s request that Anita “certainly pray” about apologizing suggests that she had an attack of religiosity and wanted to make peace with enemies by passive-aggressively extracting apologies from them. It’s not hard to believe Ginni would do nutty things in the name of religion, given that she was once a Lifespring cult member.
2. Marriage Counseling/Divorce Theory. Perhaps Ginni and Clarence are in marriage counseling and that as part of a truce between the two, whereby Clarence would agree to get a better personality if Ginni would stop saying things like “If you want Thai food so bad why don’t you call up your ‘girlfriend’ Anita and eat with her!?!”, the therapist suggested that Ginni reach out to Anita and bury the hatchet. Or, maybe after years of unsuccessful counseling, Ginni is gearing up to divorce Clarence, and her call to Anita was just attempting to trap Anita into an admission so that she could use it to extract more money in her divorce settlement.
3. Drunk and/or High Theory. Nobody sober could possibly have left that voicemail. Also, nobody leaves anybody voicemails at 7:31 AM on a Saturday unless somebody died or they’re just getting home from a rager. The night was never gonna end well if she kept boozing with her party’s official drink.
4. Pocket-Dialed Theory. It’s possible that when Ginni was going crazy on the NordiTrac on Saturday morning, she accidentally butt-dialed Anita from her fanny pack and panicked after she realized what happened and left her that voicemail because she was caught off guard and couldn’t think of anything better to say and was trying to save face. People pocket-dial all the time and given that Anita begins with an “A” she would be one of the first entries in Ginni’s address book and thus a prime candidate for butt-dialing. It goes without saying that Ginni would have Anita in her phone because everybody always keeps numbers of archenemies in their phone so they can be ready to send it to voicemail if they ever call.
5. Vendetta Theory. Ginni may blindly believe that her husband did not sexually harass Anita, or she may be pissed that Anita made her look like a chump cuckold during his Senate confirmation. Either way, for 20 years, Ginni’s rage deepened — until she finally snapped after watching an episode of Cheaters, and decided to confront the homewrecker. Ginni just wanted to settle the score and extract an apology privately from the woman who publicly humiliated her and nearly destroyed her marriage so that she could include that gem in her forthcoming memoir, Ginni Tonic.
6. Publicity Stunt/Celebrity Meltdown Theory. Ginni’s Tea Party activities have brought her into the spotlight more than ever before, and it‘s possible that fame has gotten to her. Perhaps she called Anita as a publicity stunt – like when Michael Jackson purposely released photos of himself sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber – in order to create a buzz and steal the spotlight from fellow moron and tea partier, Christine O’Donnell. Conversely, the voicemail may be a symptom of a fame -induced meltdown, like the Britney Spears head shaving incident.
7. She’s Just a Moron Theory. There’s always Occam’s Razor.
LATE BREAKING UPDATE: Clarence Thomas obsessed with porn, likes big breasts — according to ex-girlfriend, via Gawker. Elie Note: Fresh allegations about Clarence Thomas = the results of Anita Hill praying on what to do about Ginni Thomas.