Celebrities, Fame Brief

Fame Brief: Requiem for a Sheen

F. Murray Abraham could be a producer of Two and a Half Men.

While bedbugs continued their silent attack on the Waldorf Astoria, this Tuesday morning, The Plaza hotel also came under assault by a creature equally insidious: Insectus Charliesheenus.

The police found the “star” of  Two and a Half Men three and a half sheets to the wind, naked in his trashed suite at the Plaza, after the woman he was with felt threatened and called the front desk…

The New York Post gives the juicy deets:

A drugged up and naked Charlie Sheen — just two months out of rehab — allegedly trashed his room at The Plaza Hotel early today in a frantic bid to find his wallet and cellphone after partying with a hooker, authorities said.

Hotel security called police just after 2 a.m. where they found the hard-partying Sheen after a woman called the front desk from the famed Eloise Suite, sources told The Post. Tables and chairs had been thrown around the room and a chandelier was also damaged, sources said.

The damage to the luxury suite reportedly totaled about $7,000.

Side note: the “hooker” in question is actually a porn star, Capri Anderson, who is reportedly “extremely upset” at the outrageous misnomer. This reminds me of the time Carvel made me a birthday cake that said “Happy Birthday Marvin” on it, and my parents refused to take it back because it was “close enough.”

In any event, Charlie says (via text) that this whole incident is being “overblown and overplayed” — which is partially true, because he does insane stuff all the time.  As if to prove that guys in his high school used to have “bad allergic reactions” that caused them to get  naked with porn stars and throw furniture all the time and it was no big deal, Charlie immediately returned to L.A. after being released from the hospital and intends to resume taping of Two and a Half Hours of Your Life, Wasted Men on Tuesday. But if sources close to the whacktor are correct, the Plaza episode was just a symptom of his bad state these days. Some even fear for his life:

One source who has been working with Charlie recently says he’s been “a tortured soul for months” and his friends openly talked about how they feared for his life.  Another source very close to Charlie echoed the fear that Charlie’s most recent downturn could end tragically.

So here’s my legal thought du jour: if Charlie Sheen dies soon for a substance-related reason, and his estate wants to sue somebody, it might possibly have a case against the producers of Two and a Half Men, under what I’ll call the Salieri Theory. Let me explain.

In the movie Amadeus (which is easily top 5), court composer Salieri, jealous of Mozart’s talents, contrives to destroy Mozart by knowingly taking advantage of Mozart’s alcoholism and work ethic and commissioning a requiem from him. The requiem turns out to be Mozart’s own funeral mass because, exactly as Salieri planned, Mozart literally kills himself to complete it.

Similarly,the Two and a Half Men producers are fully aware that Charlie has a substance problem, and yet they continue to make him show up (or continue to employ him, despite probably having “cause” to terminate him for his off-set behavior) and tape a show that can only be described as a funeral mass. Distressingly, this profoundly unfunny show is the number one comedy in America, and at Sheen’s $1.78 million per episode salary, I can only imagine that producers will happily work him into his grave and then prop up him up after, Weekend at Bernie’s-style, so they can keep the gravy train rolling.

I think Stanzie, Mozart’s wife, had a wrongful death case against Salieri; if Charlie Sheen dies while still on the show, I think his estate has one against the producers. Readers, what do you think?

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