It’s been pretty slow here at the Above the Law circumcision law desk. So slow, in fact, that Lat has considered putting me on another assignment: “There’s just not enough news surrounding the intersection of foreskin and the legal community. While I appreciate your enthusiasm for the amusing dong beat…I don’t know if the financials can possibly justify keeping you on.”
Every time he starts in on this speech, I have to break out a photo of 16 vaguely ethnic kids that I claim to take care of. This happens at least twice a week.
So you can imagine how excited I was to find this fascinating tale that might shock and amaze you. It’s the story of a full-time lawyer and part-time exhibitionist named….
Tally. Well, Tally’s what he goes by on two websites devoted to documenting his attempt to restore his foreskin. Take it away, The Good Men Project:
Tally is short for Tallywacker, a British nickname for penis. It is also the nom de Internet of a 55-year-old, heterosexual, happily married attorney in Tennessee who is at the vanguard of the foreskin restoration movement. With evangelical zest, he shares his story, and a sequential series of photographs of his penis, to thousands of private members and hundreds of daily visitors to his websites, RestoringForeskin.org and RestoringTally.com.
Before we get into the meat of the matter, let’s tackle the first problem with this weirdo. Tally is a ridiculous name. Ridiculous mostly because Bilbo Baggy was available and would have been infinitely more hilarious.
Now, on to the more pressing concerns. I’ve gone on record as saying that I have no problem with the anti-circumcision crowd as long as they don’t harangue those of us with shorn weiner skin while they press their cause. Well…f*ck that. I was wrong. You also shouldn’t start two websites devoted to chronicling your journey through foreskin restoration. And you DEFINITELY shouldn’t include pictorials on those websites. If you want to look at dicks, that’s what Chatroulette was invented for.
But Terrible Tally doesn’t just subject those unfortunate souls who stumble upon his websites while searching for Wang Chung lyrics to his grotesquery. No sir. He’s also using the bathroom at work to do things that make Larry Craig look like a model of modern restroom etiquette:
Tally has been tugging on his penis for two years. His hand movements are methodical and prescribed. He forms the OK symbol with the index fingers and thumbs on both hands and pulls down on the shaft, stretching it between his spreading hands. After five minutes of tugging, Tally does what any man in a public restroom does: tucks in his shirt, steps out of the stall, washes his hands, and returns to the desk. Tally has what he’s after: his foreskin is slacker. He’s happier because of that. And his co-workers are none the wiser.
Can you imagine this smug (smegma?) bastard after he gets back from his extended bathroom break?
“What took you so long in there?”
“I don’t know, Bob. That chili. Just ain’t sitting right with me. *wink*”
Yuck. It’s bad enough that some of us plan entire afternoons around avoiding that old dude who always sits in the middle stall and takes loud and obnoxious thirty-minute deuces. Now we have to worry about Tallywacker’s one-man crusade to creep out the entire world.
The article says some other garbage about the people who care about this stuff trying to pass laws to outlaw “male circumcision”:
Last week, regional directors [of San Diego-based advocacy group MGMbill.org] contacted some 2800 legislators in search of a sponsor for its bill, which would extend the 1996 prohibition on female genital cutting to males. The bill would make it illegal — punishable by up to 14 years in prison — for anyone to circumcise or assist in the removal of male genitalia (except when deemed medically necessary for the health of a child) of anyone under 18 years old.
Read the full article here if you like. As for me? I’m off this beat forever.
Can’t fire me, Lat. Cause I f**king quit.