pls hndle thx, Romance and Dating, Sex

Pls Hndle Thx: BroTips

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

Dear ATL,

One of the things I don’t like about your blog is that you never have anything for Biglaw Bros who are just looking to use their jobs and money to score chicks. It’s fine to talk about women’s issues, debt issues, layoff issues and all that stuff. But aside from casual references to “models and bottles” you don’t seem interested in actually helping dudes who want to find pretty, young, not-too-intelligent slam pieces “on the reg.”

— What About Us?

Marin, the usual author of this column, is on vacation this week — which is probably why I get to address this question that was hurled at me while I was trying to watch the AFC Championship game. I’ll do my best Marin impersonation (if you promise not to tell her), and see if we can’t get the “bros” in our audience pointed in the right direction…

Dear What About Us,

Why would you even want to date skanky girls who drop panties at the mere mention of “lawyer” or some other prestigious profession? Don’t you watch The Bachelor? Those women only want to get into your bank account and share their herpes with you. And when you cut them off and change your locks and your phone number to get them to leave you alone, that’s when you’ll find out how many children you’ve fathered.

If you really want to attract these girls, it’s not hard. They like ostentatious displays of wealth and polite conversation about what’s going on at The Frisky. Make sure you flaunt what they’re planning on stealing, and future baby mamas will flock to you in droves. If you do a good job buying them Louboutins and stone cold earrings, I bet they’ll even “start taking birth control.”

You are crazy if you want a lifestyle that requires semiannual STD reports, but you won’t be lonely.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

Marin

Not every lawyer-groupie is a venereal infection waiting to happen. Sure, you have your gold diggers who will just glom on to anyone who rocks a money clip, but as my Marin fantasy just explained, looking for those girls is a bit dangerous. Instead, there are two other types of women who are perfectly designed to bounce from prestigious bro to prestigious bro without trying to trap your wallet in a maternity ward.

They are: the ladies of low self-esteem, and chicks with daddy issues. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of women who have a preference for lawyers for legitimate reasons — it’s just that these women usually don’t qualify as the vapid “slam pieces” some guys are looking for.

Girls with daddy issues are the natural companions for sexually promiscuous lawyers. The legal profession practically screams “safety,” “security,” and “respect,” all things that they wish their dads had provided. Add in the lawyer’s penchant for brooding alcoholism and detached emotional awareness, and those girls are powerless against a properly presented “lawyer bro.” If you can’t convince a woman with daddy issues to share your bed, you need to practice shooting fish in a barrel and keep working on your game.

Low self-esteem women are of course God’s gift to bros everywhere. But that’s kind of a problem: every guy is already trying to get with them, and you might find yourself waiting in a long line to take a shot at the hottie with no self-confidence.

But, unlike most guys these women date, lawyers can at least pretend to be decent human beings. Lawyers are good at responding to emails, arguing with words instead of fists, and cleaning up well enough to not make her embarrassed in front of her girlfriends who happen to have a backbone. You might be just as much of an asshole as the truck-stop wifebeater she just finished dating, but you’ll do a better job at hiding that “compelling” part of your personality. At least until bedtime.

Top bros have all the skills of a dire wolf. Why take on the alpha female when you can separate the weakest and the slowest from the pack? That’s the game, and it’s really not that hard to play if you know what you’re doing.

And that’s why we don’t usually give this kind of advice. If you have to ask, you’re not really a “bro” to begin with.

— Retired Bro.

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

Earlier: Prior editions of Pls Hndle Thx

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