Biglaw Alternative: Getting Drunks Off
Most lawyers would cringe at the thought of spending their entire careers trying to find loopholes that will release drunk drivers back onto the streets. But one small firm is building a DUI defense empire in Georgia. You’ll be so happy that they get your case thrown out that you won’t even mind when they use your full name and share the details of your drunken escapades to drum up more business.
It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it. Most lawyers would cringe at the thought of spending their entire careers trying to find loopholes that will release drunk drivers back onto the streets. After all, drunk drivers are one of the few life forms more despised than lawyers.
Southern drunks are in luck, however, because Cerbone DUI Defense are not most lawyers. In fact, the father and son Cerbone team has taken on the job with relish, building an entire DUI defense empire in Savannah, Georgia.
It’s not really surprising that Savannah would need some good DUI lawyers. This is the city that throws the second largest St. Patrick’s Day celebration in the world. I can also confirm from personal experience that it is one of the few remaining places in the country without an open container law. There is really no shortage of alcohol-related fun to be had in Savannah.
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Enter the Cerbone team, stage right. They are waiting around day and night, right outside the police station, to take your case when things get out of hand. You’ll be so happy that they get your case thrown out that you won’t even mind when they use your full name and share the details of your drunken escapades to drum up more business…
So, how sure is Cerbone DUI Defense that they can get you off? The banner on their website says it all:
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That’s right, they are absolutely CONDIFENT that they can defend your case. At first I tried to give them some sort of credit for attempting to make fun of the way drunk people talk, but sadly it seems that they’re just too busy dealing with winos to take the time to proofread their website. Just don’t let a tiny typo in a trademarked slogan shake your condifence in them.
Focus instead on their proven track record.
Cerbone DUI Defense can beat even the most hopeless DUI charges. We’ve done it before; we’ll do it again.
The Takeaway
We find the win, even when you feel the cards are stacked against you.
If you’re wondering just how hopeless the DUI charges are that Cerbone can beat, you’re in luck. The Cerbones are eager to provide details of just how drunk their clients were before being set back on the streets. And since these clients were found to be “Not Guilty,” what harm could possibly come from using their full names in the anecdotes of their arrests? Just click on the Sheen-esque Winning tab to read all about it. Or read any of the client testimonials sprinkled throughout the website to find the full names of people who have been arrested in Savannah for drunk driving.
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The only client who is spared this public treatment is a judge, who appears to be Cerbone’s crown jewel client. Rather than using his full name, he is kindly referred to simply as Judge Z. I’m sure there are loads of judges in Savannah with last names starting with Z, so no one could have a chance of figuring out his real identity.
Stories of how Cerbone DUI Defense obtained a not guilty verdict for Judge Z. show up everywhere on the firm’s website. The full tale makes Judge Z. seem anything but not guilty:
But as Officer S. talks with the Judge, he smells the odor of alcohol on the Judge’s breath, notes the Judge’s glassy eyes, and observes that the Judge seems to be unsteady on his feet.
To further sully the judge’s reputation, we get to learn that he blew a .104 on the Intoxilyzer 5000. But I suppose having your alcohol indiscretions publicized in gory detail and being the poster child for beating the system is a small price to pay for the technical “Not Guilty” that will be appended to your name for the rest of your life.
Cerbone DUI Defense pulls no punches when it comes to explaining how they go about getting hammered people off. The focus of their representation is to “find the flaws,” “exploit the weaknesses,” “turn on technicalities,” and “exploit the ‘Training Manual’ to your advantage.” Nowhere is there even the slightest suggestion of factual innocence…
The Cerbone bios provide some insight into Savannah’s DUI defense masterminds. The elder Cerbone, Adam, shamelessly name drops while trying to show that his career has been about more than simply defending DUI charges. Oh, and in case you hadn’t read it anywhere else yet, he defended a judge.
The bio of his son, Jason Cerbone, takes modesty and throws it out the window:
The Oxfords — shined. The power suit — tailored. The man — slim, strong, and professional. His name? Jason Cerbone.
Jason Cerbone is all work and no play, and apparently came out of the womb wanting to do DUI defense:
No, I always wanted to be a criminal defense trial lawyer. I’m drawn to it like Sherlock Holmes to a haunted house. Trying a DUI case in front of the jury is my favorite thing to do. I have to be in the courtroom to be happy whether I get paid for it or not.
Thankfully the Cerbones don’t reserve their crack legal skills and must-win attitudes for Savannah natives:
We help visiting tourists, especially around St. Patrick’s Day.
If you find yourself in a jam in Savannah, Cerbone DUI Defense is available 24/7 to help you out of it, in exchange for cash up front. They are even cleverly located “catty-cornered to the Savannah Police Department,” so you won’t have to stumble far when you’re released from the drunk tank.
Because drinking and driving doesn’t make you guilty. Oh, no. “‘Guilty’ happens to DUI clients who wait” to call Cerbone DUI Defense after getting caught.
While they’re waiting for your call, I’m condifent that the Cerbones will be busy fighting the good fight to keep the streets of Savannah safe for drunk drivers.
