It’s almost the middle of summer, and it’s hot as hell outside. Partners are starting to relax a little bit, and collars are getting unbuttoned. You think you might have seen someone sporting a pair of flip-flops at the office, but that one was probably a mirage. All of this can mean only one thing: the moment that you’ve been dreading has finally arrived. The invitation to the firm summer party is coming for you — and it might involve a pool or beach.
But do you really want to wear a bathing suit in front of these people? Maybe while you were busy shredding documents this spring, you got distracted and ditched your ab-shredding routine. Maybe while you were trimming the fat from your briefs, you neglected your cottage cheese thighs. And maybe, just maybe, you were lucky enough to graduate from “law school hot” to “law firm hot,” and you’re worried about your colleagues ogling your grand tetons.
Is there such a thing as bathing suit etiquette for a Biglaw summer bash? Apparently there is, so prepare to be de-sexified (as if you’re not undersexed enough as it is)….
For a company retreat where pool and beach time will be a must, experts suggest women stick to tankinis, one-pieces, or suits that cover the top of the thigh, and to bring a hat to cover up pool hair. Men should leave their Speedos at home, and stick to looser-fitting trunk-style suits. “Both men and women should choose bathing suits that don’t overemphasize any body parts,” says [etiquette expert Barbara] Pachter.
In other words, men, if you were thinking about rocking your banana hammock at the firm pool party, then think again. You may be proud of what ExtenZe has done for you, but smuggling plums is something that should only happen to people who’ve had their families kidnapped by Mexican drug lords. And no, a Borat mankini won’t work, either. I mean really, just look at it — it makes it look like you are the wedgie that needs picking. I won’t even get into the whole shaving-of-the-nether-regions issue.
And ladies, apparently you can’t wear a bikini, even if you have a bod bodacious enough to rock one. Actually, it sounds to me like Pachter is recommending that ladies wear 1950s-style swim dresses to their firm events. And those were actually pretty stylish like 60 years ago. You know what else was stylish for women back in the dark ages? Being subservient and wearing an apron.
This is a little bit biased, but when the question is to boob or not to boob, I say that if you’ve got it, you should totally flaunt it (in the most professional way possible, of course). Maybe it’ll get you a raise. Or an excellent performance review. Or a date.
Just don’t go overboard. If your cup doth runneth over and you look as asstastic as Coco-T, you can probably skip the bikini. And if your worry is not whether your ears hang low, but rather, your breasts, I’d recommend something with an underwire — just be careful in the sun with those, ladies. You don’t want to burn your greatest assets.
So, what do you think about proper bathing suit etiquette for Biglaw summer parties? Do you dare to grin and bare it? Or will you be the “sweaty nerd” at the soirée?
Swimming Pool [The Careerist]
Don’t Overemphasize Body Parts When Wearing Swimsuits at Work Event, Expert Says