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If Star Wars Launched A Law Firm

There’s a pretty funny video making the rounds. It involves Lando Calrissian becoming a personal injury attorney and representing storm troopers injured by reckless Jedi.

It’s pretty funny, but totally unrealistic. I mean, Lando would never be a personal injury lawyer. Clearly, Calrissian would be a family law attorney who represents women. “Hello, what have we here? You truly belong in your house… with half of his stuff.”

Sorry, I’m gonna let the video finish, but Lando Calrissian would make the best divorce lawyer of all time…

Here’s the clip, and again, it’s well done.

So, that obviously got me thinking about what kind of lawyers Star Wars characters would be. (It’s August, bite me.)

I think R2-D2 would be the best personal injury lawyer. He’s brash and confident. He can take on foes much bigger than him. He’ll look into the jury box and play a holo-recording of an injured client saying, “Help me, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you’re my only hope.”

Obviously, Boba Fett would be opposing counsel for the defense. He’s got corporate trial attorney hired gun written all over him.

Not that he’s a Biglaw partner. That’s Jabba the Hut: “Bring me the associate and the Wookie. They will all suffer for this outrage.” Vader is the managing partner of a Biglaw firm: there will be a lot of apologies accepted and whole bunch of “I’m altering the deal, pray that I do not alter it any further” when summer associates return to the firm to start full time.

Okay, okay, but now if we’re thinking of Jabba and Vader as Biglaw partners, doesn’t that set Luke Skywalker up as the best law student/Biglaw associate of all time? Come on, there’s the petulant begging to go to law school in the first place “But Uncle Owen, all my friends have gone.” Which of course leads to the immediate destruction of his former life. A mad scramble during the law school years with Constitutional Law professor Obi-Wan Kenobi (“So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.”).

He spends some time with public interest lawyer Yoda — “judge me by my size do you? And well you should not. For my ally is the Law, and a powerful ally it is” — but eventually rushes to face his Biglaw destiny (“not ready for the burden were you”), is tempted (“join me and I will complete your training), and eventually gets his freaking arm cut off (I know, a real Biglaw firm takes more than your arm).

But he doesn’t die. Maybe through family connections he starts to get some clients and suddenly he’s standing in-front of established partner Jabba, talking smack and coming into his own. Jabba is an aging partner trying to hang onto to his book of business from the hard-charging Luke who says, “Nevertheless, I’m taking the Morgan Stanley account, you can either profit by this or be destroyed. It’s your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my power.”

He passes the Jabba test, makes partner and now has the biggest case of his life in front of the Supreme Court. It doesn’t go well, he gets shocked by electricity from the bench by Emperor Scalia Palpatine (Palpatine = Scalia is the easiest Star Wars and the Law connection in the entire galaxy). But at the end the managing partner Vader saves the day and hands over the firm to his protégé.


Law Office of Lando Calrissian [YouTube]

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