Law Schools

Wearing A Class Ring From Your Law School Is An Expensive Way To Advertise That You Are A Loser Who Has No Friends

If you would all turn to the chapter “On Jewelery” in your official “Being A Man” handbook, the section on rings clearly states, “A man shall only wear rings so earned through championship level athletic achievement, rings signifying a bond of holy matrimony, or rings that others can be forced to kiss in supplication to your rule. There is a limited exception to this rule if you are the protector of Sector 2814.”

Obviously, the rules for women are a little different. But I’m not aware of any situation where it is appropriate for a normally adjusted person to wear a class ring that they purchased from their high school or college.

Wearing a high school class ring tells everybody, “My life peaked at 17 and I’m going to die in the same town I grew up in.”

Wearing a college class ring says, “Just because I can’t make a jump shot or even credibly throw a Frisbee doesn’t mean my accomplishments in the classroom shouldn’t be rewarded. Well, ‘accomplishments’ in the broadest sense, it’s not like I’m a Rhodes Scholar or within shouting distance of the top of my class or anything.”

Wearing a law school class ring should be like putting a magnet on your hand that is irresistibly attracted to your face so you can’t stop punching yourself….

A law school class ring is like a singularity of douchiness: an infinitely dense accessory where the laws of normal human behavior break down.

Look, I’m a guy who just bought a Harvard onesie for my baby, and the thought of getting a law school class ring has never occurred to me except in the context of “things more embarrassing than being caught masturbating to Star Trek.” If you need to advertise the fact that you went to law school on your finger, you are doing it wrong.

Truly, I cannot even understand the super-massive douchebaggery contemplated in this Facebook status update:

For those playing along at home, “NSL” is something called a “Nashville School of Law.”

I think that if you walked into a job interview wearing an NSL class ring, even Satan would say, “I dunno, you seem like too much of a prick to work here.”

It’s embarrassing to have “school spirit” for your graduate school. You go to college when you are a kid and you make friends for life. In that context, if you want to buy a sweatshirt or a bumper sticker, knock yourself out. But you go to grad school because you are an adult and you want to be a professional. Buying one of those window car flaggy things for law school tells the world, “Hey, I’ve specialized my training at this institution while being the old creepy guy at the college bar.”

I get that if your grad school is a huge upgrade over your undergrad institution, you might want to try to claim it to throw people off the scent of your embarrassing high school performance, but you must know you are not really fooling anybody. It’s like when people who grew up on Long Island say they’re from “just outside New York City.” It’s accurate, but come on.

In the instant case, if Nashville Law is an upgrade, maybe you shouldn’t waste your money on a class ring. You don’t want to buy something you’ll later have to pawn for “food” and “water.”

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