Here’s your fact pattern. You’re a young prosecutor and you get assigned a file for a troubled young woman.

She’s charged with a number of crimes, mostly revolving around meth, because it’s Oklahoma and there’s nothing else to do but meth and trade complaints about Texas.

But then you study the file a little more and see that the woman was caught with a loaded gun. Nothing too surprising there.

In her vagina.

Wait, what?!?

You know what they say, if you outlaw guns jammed in vaginas, only outlaws will have guns jammed in vaginas…

The woman, Christie Dawn Harris, was a bush league Walter White who got busted while hanging out in a parking lot, presumably trying to make a deal:

Harris, seen in the adjacent mug shot, was arrested in March after a drug dog alerted to a vehicle in which she and another woman were seated (the car was parked outside a closed restaurant at 3:45 AM). A subsequent search of the Toyota Yaris turned up meth, drug paraphernalia, a .25 caliber semi-automatic pistol, and a loaded magazine.

That’s all pretty standard, but then things got crazy:

While being transported to jail, Harris told a cop “several times that she needed to go to the bathroom,” according to an Ada Police Department report.

During processing at the jail, Harris balked when directed to lower her underwear so that a female officer could check for contraband. She “advised that she was on her period and did not want to,” cops noted.

After Harris complied with police, Officer Kathy Unbewust reported, “I observed at that time a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area.” Unbewust then “pulled the item from her vagina, and found it to be a 5 shot revolver with rounds in the chamber.”

That’s an innovative form of birth control. Seriously, what was the plan for this weapon? It’s not exactly easy to access. Had the deal gone bad, was she going to tell everyone to wait while she took off her pants? This is the model of gun in question, which does look… concealable.

Investigators subsequently identified the weapon as a Freedom Arms .22-caliber handgun, which was loaded with three live rounds and one spent shell. The police report notes that “gun located in suspect vagina.”

Hold the phone! “One spent shell?” Don’t get on her bad side because she has an itchy trigger clit.

So back to the exam question, how would you charge this woman?

According to the sentencing document, count three against her was “bringing contraband into jail.”

This is where her lawyer got railroaded, because the client was clearly not trying to bring this contraband into jail. The record reflects that she kept asking to go to the bathroom before she got to the jail, presumably to ditch the gun. That doesn’t excuse her from the crime, of course, but the prosecutor could exercise some discretion before tagging her with something she was trying to avoid.

In any event, she’s going to jail for 25 years, in part for simply exercising her Second Amendment right. Which is a shame, because she was just doing what the Founders clearly intended.

Woman Who Hid Gun In Vagina Gets 25 Years [The Smoking Gun]


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