Day after day, jaded lawyers sit at their desks at their cushy law firms, mindlessly mashing the keyboard as they dream of what their lives could have been. They could have done anything they wanted, anything at all, and yet they chose to be walking suits, slowly dying inside.
But not this attorney. This guy had ideas too wild, too… sexy, to be confined to the walls of a stuffy law firm. Sure, he worked for a law firm for a time, but he never went back because he was a man with a mission. He had to bring people sexual pleasure, and he had to do it immediately.
Who is the man who left the law to bring the world the delights of latex fetish clothing, vibrators, and blowjob machines?
Meet Brian Sloan of Very Intelligent Ecommerce Inc. He’s a 2005 graduate of the Penn State Dickinson School of Law, and he realized during his time as a summer associate for an unnamed firm that law wasn’t the right fit for him. Like a sexual neophyte attempting to find a woman’s g-spot, we’ve searched high and low to find the firm Sloan worked for, but we’ve been unsuccessful. We’re still waiting to hear back from him, but if you have any ideas, please reach out to us and let us know.
UPDATE (1:45 p.m.): Sloan emailed us to let us know that he summered for Kubasiak Fylstra Thorpe & Rotunno, a boutique Chicago firm, between his second and third year of law school. He also worked on the Murder Taskforce of the Cook County Public Defender’s Office, which he says was “way more interesting.”
Sloan says he got out of the law “just in time” — he never really started. Per his interview with TechCrunch, he started buying things from bankruptcy auctions and selling them online as soon as he graduated from law school. “I realized I had more potential in my life running this business,” says Sloan, who once had some trouble with the police after he boiled human skulls in his apartment to later be sold online.
So how does one move from selling antiques (a career most mothers would be proud of) to selling adult toys (a career that would make most mothers cringe)? Here’s the scoop from Sloan’s interview with VICE:
During the summer between my second and third year of law school, I had a job in a fancy law firm. On the weekends, I would make up a map of garage sales at six in the morning, then I would hit this route of sales during the day. I was making more money buying and selling garage sale goods than I was in my fancy law firm job. I came to China because I was trying to see if I could pay for my trip by solely buying antiques and selling them on eBay. I tried it once and it worked. Then I started meeting more and more people here…and I figured, Wow, I just want to move here and start a business.
I fell into the Adult market because I was a bit obsessed with eBay and I knew what sold well in different categories, and there weren’t really many people selling latex fetish wear and bondage equipment. I found out in China where I could get rubber suits made, and then it took off from there because I was able to make custom sizes—especially for bigger people—for a much lower price than they were used to.
Sloan — also known as the Kinky King of Beijing — is the inventor of a line of products called the Autoblow, a robotic blowjob, if you will. He’s also the proud owner and creator of product lines called the Mangasm and the Ladygasm. Sloan’s coming out with his latest invention, the Autoblow 2, and was just short of the funds needed for the venture (by about $45,000), so he started an Indiegogo campaign. As luck would have it, men REALLY want robotic blowjobs! He, for lack of a better term, blew past that goal quickly. There are 11 days left in Sloan’s campaign, and he’s already raised almost $95,000.
The guy’s got quite the sales pitch. If you’re interested, you can check it out (NSFW) below (NSFW):
The law is being dominated by computers, so it’s only fitting that you allow your blowjobs to be dominated by machines. Donate to support Brian Sloan’s creation, and help fund a former lawyer’s (wet) dreams.
Autoblow 2: A Realistic Robotic Oral Sex Simulator For Men [Indiegogo]
A Word With The Creator Of The Autoblow 2 [Techcrunch]
The Autoblow 2 Is the World’s Preeminent Robotic Oral Sex Simulator For Men [VICE]
Think the Term “Supply Chain” Is Unsexy? Meet the Kinky King of Beijing [TechCrunch]
4 skulls plus 1 pot add up to hot water [Chicago Tribune]