Biglaw, Kids

Biglaw Mommy: Pick Your Poison Childcare

Are you a working mother with childcare issues? Here's a breakdown of all of your options, complete with pros and cons.

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I think I’ve made it clear by now that having a baby and working a job in a Biglaw firm can make life very complicated. There are just so many little details, so many factors, so many moving pieces that somehow have to come together perfectly in order to make the puzzle fit. But I think the biggest one of all is childcare. Actually, scratch that. If all the details of work schedules and baby schedules are the puzzle pieces, I think childcare is the necessary flat surface that you need to put the puzzle together. If the surface isn’t perfectly flat and smooth, the pieces don’t fit together and the puzzle falls apart.

Unfortunately, especially for Biglaw mommies who work in cities like New York, it can feel like there are no good childcare options that also allow for the kind of career that Biglaw entails. More frustrating is the women who preach the “gospel” of “having it all” but who, truthfully, have so much money and/or power that they don’t really confront the childcare issues the rest of us face. (See, e.g., Sheryl Sandberg, who tells us to lean in but notably never addresses her childcare arrangements or, more importantly, the cost; Marissa Mayer, who infamously built a nursery in her office so she could bring her baby to work.) Similarly, women who wait to have babies until they make partner are just not in the same boat as the rest of us — I’ve known several who simply don’t come in whenever it’s not convenient, leave work at odd times, and have enough money to throw at whatever problem they face.

I will acknowledge that many Biglaw firms are taking steps to address the problem of childcare. An increasingly common perk in Biglaw is subsidized backup/emergency childcare, which is offered either in designated childcare centers or in the form of in-home care providers, at extremely low rates for a set number of benefit days, often as many as 5-6 weeks. This is, undeniably, a major benefit.

But, it’s still just a backup option. It doesn’t address the bigger issue of who is essentially going to raise your child during the many, many hours that you’re in the office each week. Even before I had a baby, I heard so many horror stories about the near-impossible task of finding someone responsible and trustworthy to take care of your kids, the huge expense, the necessary contingency plans, etc., etc., etc. And, sure enough, once I was in it, I faced a whole host of my own issues, failed arrangements, and significant amounts of money that was truly painful to spend. I’m still scarred by the whole experience.

I’d like to take this week’s column as an opportunity to share my thoughts on the challenges of childcare for anyone who might be in the same boat — trying to weigh their options and understand the pros and cons — in the context of working a job like Biglaw. Here are all the different childcare arrangements I’ve encountered and my insight on them — for what it’s worth. If you’re someone who doesn’t need this insight or doesn’t care, please stop reading. You’ll just be bored and complain in the comments.

The Other Spouse Stays Home

Pros: The other parent is watching the baby. It’s ideal. Baby gets childcare and parental bonding, and the working parent has the peace of mind knowing that someone who loves the baby just as much as they do is home.
Cons: Only one income. Many people don’t have this option. Plus, this doesn’t really work if both people want a career.

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The Family Who Takes Care of Baby for Free

(This is like the giant squid of the childcare world. I know they exist, I’ve seen a couple of pictures to prove it, but it still sounds almost mythical.)

Pros: Free childcare. Baby and family bond. Maybe more flexibility because you can take advantage of family in a way you can’t with outside help.
Cons: Because you’re accepting one of the biggest favors anyone could do for you, you kind of have to accept all the strings attached. When someone offers you free childcare, they have the power. Also, I’ve heard this can lead to some major familial guilt trips.

Daycare

Pros: Usually one of the most economical options (if you can’t get free childcare). Kids are socialized from young ages. If your baby has trouble with naps and/or sleep schedules, daycare will often get them on a good schedule. Same with eating.
Cons: Kids get sick all. the. time. And once they’re sick, they can’t go to daycare. This means someone has to stay home with baby on a fairly regular basis. Also, daycare hours are NOT friendly to people in Biglaw, especially in the New York metro area or similar big cities. Daycare centers are usually open until 6/6:30 p.m. If you work long hours and/or commute, good luck finding a center that stays open late enough. And be prepared to pay a dollar a minute or more if you’re late. Which is particularly unfortunate when you take commuter trains/buses with regular delays. Plus, you have to get the kid out the door in the morning and pick them up in the evening. If your hours and/or commute are already long, you may not have the extra time to spare.

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Live-out Nannies

Pros: Probably the ideal option when both parents work long hours, you can usually find a nanny who will work as many hours as you need. Nannies tend to like long-term gigs, so you can establish good continuity. Baby will get one-on-one attention (as opposed to daycare where it’s often one daycare worker for 6-8 babies). Nannies come to your house, which means you don’t have to deal with getting out the door and picking up at the end of the day. And often, nannies are willing to do light housekeeping, which Biglaw mommies probably do not have time to do.
Cons: COST. I can’t speak to smaller cities, but in New York and comparable metros, nannies can expect $15-20/hour and upwards. I know plenty of people who pay their nannies $40-50,000/year. (Obviously depends on if you pay on or off the books.) Those are after-tax dollars. So a nanny may only really make financial sense if both spouses make six figures. And if you’re like many, many people working in Biglaw, you’re still trying to pay off massive student loans on top of shelling out top dollar to live in a major city. In fact, for many Biglaw associates, paying off loans might be the ONLY reason you’re still in Biglaw. So to spend all that loan money on a nanny, well, it stings.

Live-in Nannies

I literally know no one who does this. I’ve heard that the hourly rate/salary is slightly lower because you’re covering living expenses. But you have someone living in your house, so there’s that.

Au pairs

(For those of you who aren’t familiar, au pairs are younger girls (generally 18-24) from abroad who come to the U.S. for a year, live with a host family, and provide childcare in addition to taking classes at a local college.)

Pros: Very economical. Au pair programs advertise average monthly costs as low as $1,200, which is dramatically lower than daycare OR a nanny (at least in major cities). You get the same benefits of a nanny, namely, having someone there when you need them, added flexibility, and one-on-one care. Because au pairs are younger, they often become more involved with children than older nannies. And because the goal is for an au pair to become a member of the family, the programs can lead to some wonderful bonds being formed. Many people form lifelong friendships with their au pairs.
Cons: From what I’ve heard, au pairs can be EXTREMELY hit or miss. For every lovely girl, you get a girl who doesn’t know how to drive but says she does and wrecks your car, or who hides alcohol in her room and drinks at night, or has an eating disorder and binge-eats your entire pantry once a week. Also, you have a teenager (or close enough) living in your house, which can pose its own challenges. Read: You might get stuck with an angsty, snotty brat.

So, there you have it. Maybe you can tell from my tone, but I don’t love any of the options (although I do think the problem is compounded by living in a place like New York — I doubt that a Biglaw associate living in Dallas faces quite the same issues). Nevertheless, I hope this sheds a bit more light on the childcare struggles that working mothers face. (And this is women in Biglaw. Don’t get me started on the women who work ridiculous hours for far, far less pay. It seems downright impossible.)

One final thought: I recently read that Rachel Zoe (the fashion designer) opened a nursery in her Hollywood office. Her reasoning: “I wanted to create an environment where these new mothers wouldn’t have to make a choice between career and motherhood.” And: “Seeing how motivated and committed the mothers on my team were after returning from maternity leave and being able to set up their babies in the nursery has only solidified my belief that every company should consider this option.” SOLD. Can we push for law firms to consider this solution?

Mommy Dear, Esq. is a senior Biglaw associate in NYC by day and a new mommy by evening, weekend, and 3:30 a.m. She’s currently trying to “have it all,” “lean in,” and sometimes even cook dinner. Mommy Dear, Esq. is very, very tired. You can email her at mommydearesq@gmail.com.

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