Back In The Race: Does Your Potential Spouse Have To Be Better Than Perfect?

Slowly but surely, most of my friends are getting married.

But some of my friends and colleagues remain single, claiming that it is becoming increasingly difficult to meet the right person. At a time when marriage rates are decreasing, it should not be too difficult to meet potential partners, especially by using online dating.

So I suspect that the real reason is that people are becoming very picky. Why is this?

1. Money. With higher student loans balances, rising costs of living, and raising a family in a good school district, married life can get very expensive. Lawyers generally have a certain philosophy when it comes to money: have enough of it to pay off their debts and use the remainder to live well.

If you marry the right person, it is likely that you will be financially stable and even well off for life. You might have to put up with a demanding (or worse) spouse, but that’s a small price to pay to live an upper-class lifestyle, right?

On the other hand, if you marry the wrong person (or even an average person these days), you can put yourself in a big financial hole. You might end up with a spouse with an expensive drinking or gambling problem. You’ll not only pay your student loans, but you will also directly or indirectly pay your spouse’s as well. And if you get divorced, then get ready to pay spousal support, part of which might be used to “support” younger and cuter flings. And if you have children, don’t forget child support.

The above may tempt someone to conduct a full background and credit check on his or her potential spouse. But if you want to know how a potential spouse handles his or her finances, you will have to have an open and honest discussion, like what most married couples do on a regular basis. It’s hard to “sense” someone’s financial situation. Someone can be living lavishly but only with parental help. Or they may be living beyond their means with the hope of luring a “sugar daddy” or “sugar momma” who will bail them out. Conversely, someone can be living very frugally and low-key, but stashing their money away in investments or aggressively paying down student loans.

2. Wanting To Be Socially Accepted. We all know at least one power couple. Both of them are under 40, but they have good careers, live in a million-dollar home, and go on vacations at least once per month. At least that’s what their Facebook pictures show.

Unfortunately, lawyers are judged on many things. Professionally, we are judged by what law school we went to, our grades and class rank, and which firms we worked for, to name a few. Our personal lives will be judged by the clothes we wear, the clubs we join, the ZIP code we live in, the car we drive, and the quality of our spouse.

Because lawyers want to be socially accepted, particularly by the crowd that can afford to pay $300 or more per hour, most marry with the goal of being a power couple. And we are told that if we are patient, the right partner will eventually come.

The problem is that this rarely happens. The older one gets, finding a potential spouse without baggage becomes very difficult.

“But… but my friends and co-workers are married to high-powered individuals.” Fine, but look closer at the relationship. Is your friend wife number 3? Is there a 20-year age gap? Does the spouse have character flaws like uncontrollable body odor or Tourette’s syndrome? More likely than not, a lot of concessions will be made to make the marriage work.

3. Looking For Mr. Perfect With A Little Extra. Today, thanks to the evolution of online dating sites and social media, meeting people is only a swipe away. Let’s say your perfect partner is a successful professional or business owner. In the past, such people were hard to find unless you went to the events where they regularly congregate.

Most online dating websites allow you to filter by race, income, distance, and interests to name a few. If you’re not sure who to look for, you can log on to eHarmony. Once you complete its rather intrusive interrogatory, your matches will be sent to you. So it is possible to meet multiple people that meet your perfect partner criteria.

When this happens, you start to get picky, so you look for the “perfect person with a little extra.” Of course, there is nothing wrong with being selective. But when the online dating service gives you multiple profiles fitting your perfect partner requirements, then you have to find a more stringent way to differentiate and weed out the candidates. In most cases, the more stringent criteria is superficial and trivial.

The problem is that even though you may have found the perfect person with all of the extra bells and whistles, he or she may not feel the same way about you. If the reciprocal attraction isn’t there, either it will take time for the attraction to develop, or it will never happen. In the meantime, the other perfect candidates may have moved on to other people or just lost interest.

Whether we admit it or not, almost all lawyers expect to live a certain way now or later. So we desire to choose a spouse that will help us accomplish that goal. But because of the stagnant economy and the financial struggles that most lawyers face, choosing the right spouse can be difficult, and some have opted to stay single.

I want to leave with a few thoughts. First, there is nothing wrong with being single so long as it makes you happy. No one should be forced to get married and raise a family if it is not financially or emotionally viable. Second, unless your potential spouse gives off a Scott Peterson or Jodi Arias vibe, people generally don’t really care who you marry, especially the people who come to your wedding.

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Shannon Achimalbe was a former solo practitioner for five years before deciding to sell out and get back on the corporate ladder. Shannon can be reached by email at [email protected] and via Twitter: @ShanonAchimalbe.