Law Schools

You'll Never Guess What Was Stolen At This T14 Law School

It takes a truly remarkable petty crime to move the needle.

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Here at Above the Law, we get tips on all manner of law school shenanigans: stolen apples, stolen essays, stolen blueberries — suffice it to say, lots of things can get stolen at a law school. (Also, law students don’t leave your stuff lying around in communal spaces — it’s law school, not Shangri-La.) So it takes a truly remarkable petty crime to move the needle.

Luckily, the folks at Cornell Law School are upping their stolen lunch game after one student, who we’ll call Lunchless Lucy, found her bag ‘o food stolen from the communal refrigerator. Lunchless Lucy isn’t one to despair when confronted with this loss, nay, she reaches out to the entire student body. Lucy sent a sassy plea for her stolen goods to the “law student marketplace” distribution list, received by all 1Ls, 2Ls, 3Ls, and LLMs.

The email is well done all the way around. Here is the full text for your enjoyment:

Dear CLS,

Yesterday, I left my WLC Ruth Bader Ginsburg lunch bag in the fridge with several days worth of food. Today, my lunch bag and homemade food went missing. I checked with facilities and I have confirmed that it was not thrown out. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my lunch bag go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill yell at you.

To the low life who literally stole my lunch and dinner, please have the decency to at least return my WLC lunch bag to the kitchen. I just want Ruthey to get home safely.

Also the joke is on you because I have been sick the past two weeks.

Irately,

Lunchless Lucy

Ummmm, you guys there are RBG lunch bags? I had no idea. That is some high quality RBG swag, no wonder Lucy’s pissed. Also, 10 points to Gryffindor for the Taken pastiche, bonus for the threat of biological warfare.

I hope the heartless thief that absconded with dear Ruthey has a heart and returns her to the rightful owner.

Earlier: T14 Law Student Loses His Mind In School-Wide Email Over Stolen Apple
Harvard Law Jerk Confirms Everything You Thought About Harvard Law
Law Student Loses His Mind In Nasty Note, Wishes Decades Of Debt Upon Classmates

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