Crime, Email Scandals, Food, Law Schools, Rudeness

T14 Law Student Loses His Mind In School-Wide Email Over Stolen Apple

Which law school was host to this vicious snack thievery?

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Law students are interesting creatures. Given the high-stress nature of their environments, they’ll be kind and cordial until someone crosses them, and then all pleasantries will be tossed to the wind. If you somehow wind up on a law student’s sh*t list, then you should run away — fast. As we’ve written in the past, “if something bad happens to [law students] and they’ve got access to a school-wide listserv, then my God, abandon all hope ye who open that email.”

Today, we’ve got the sad story of a law student whose apple was stolen at school this weekend. Like any law student whose entire life had been ruined thanks to a felonious fruitnapping, this law student flipped out — in a very public forum — about his pilfered piece of fruit. He sent an email bemoaning his nutritious loss to the entire school.

Which elite law school was host to this vicious snack thievery?

Please note the UPDATE at the bottom of this post.

Why would a law student send an email to the entire student body over a stolen apple? Because he could. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and it certainly won’t be the last.

This weekend’s fruit debacle took place at the University of Michigan Law School, a place where lunch thieves and pissy emails sent from the aggrieved in the aftermath of the crime have lurked in plain sight since as early as April 2013, when someone’s precious burrito was taken from them all too soon.

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You know that the email you’re about to read will be good when its title is: “WTF: The psycho who took my apple from the fridge.” Here are the first two paragraphs from this student’s ode to an apple thief:

I was going to eat that. That’s what most people do with food they own, and what pets and assholes do with food owned by other people. It was in a bag, too. That means you had time to really consider what you were doing.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it. No. No I don’t. I hope you hated it. I hope it was a bad apple. That certainly would be fitting, and in a way, cannibalistic. I hope each bite brought you an appropriate amount of shame, which is to say, a lot, but not too much. And I hope that when you were finished eating it—that thing that wasn’t yours—you looked down at the slimy core, devoid of all value, and saw in it your own image; a reflection of your ruined, seedy self, thieving the fruits of another’s labor.

Do you see what you did, Johnny Applethief? You drove this poor law student to rant about his purloined produce in poetic prose. You not only robbed him of his delicious apple, but of his time — because you better believe that writing a response like this took some serious time away from his schedule.

You can read this aggrieved apple lover’s beautiful email in full on the next page. Of course, other students’ responses weren’t quite as poetic as Fruitnapping Fred’s school-wide tirade. Here are two of them:

1) tl;dr [Fruitnapping Fred’s] food got stolen by an undergrad because they’re what happens to the commons over the weekend.

2) Or the fridge was cleaned out on Friday at 5pm like the notice said that it would and he simply forgot to remove his food.

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Fruitnapping Fred was quick to respond, though his follow-up email wasn’t quite as lovely as his first:

Now I’ve had my apple stolen and my intelligence insulted. Rough Sunday.

This is from food that was put in there yesterday [Saturday].

These false accusations aside, we’ll take a cue from the rest of this poetic law student’s email to conclude: we seriously hope that Fruitnapping Fred’s “scathing email … forever changed [Johnny Applethief’s] warped, disturbing perspective on what it means to go through life like a normal human being.”

UPDATE (12:30 p.m.): It seems that Johhny Applethief took the time to pen a confession and sent it to the entire law school. Here’s a snippet of this elegant masterpiece. You can find the rest of the produce pilferer’s response on the third page of this post. It’s a truly magnificent work of art:

Let there be light.

The door creaks open, a cold light flickers. All is illuminated, but nothing shines brighter than that sweet Red Delicious. It blushed at me through a brown paper bag, Adam’s apple. It sat there amongst the Tupperware®–blood-stained, seductive, violently passionate. The Forbidden fruit. I fear I am not a better man than Adam.

I wanted it, and it wanted me. I longed to free it from its crinkly brown cage, to sink my teeth into its tarty meat. I wanted to feel its sweet juices dribbling down my lips. How could I resist? How could I deny myself?

(Flip through the following pages to see the full emails from Fruitnapping Fred and Johnny Applethief that were sent to everyone at Michigan Law in the case of the stolen apple.)

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