SCHOOL-WIDE EMAIL SENT FROM LAW SCHOOL APPLE THIEF OVER STOLEN APPLE
Let there be light.
The door creaks open, a cold light flickers. All is illuminated, but nothing shines brighter than that sweet Red Delicious. It blushed at me through a brown paper bag, Adam’s apple. It sat there amongst the Tupperware® — blood-stained, seductive, violently passionate. The Forbidden fruit. I fear I am not a better man than Adam.
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I wanted it, and it wanted me. I longed to free it from its crinkly brown cage, to sink my teeth into its tarty meat. I wanted to feel its sweet juices dribbling down my lips. How could I resist? How could I deny myself?
My hands began to tremble. Maybe I’ll just hold it. I checked to see the coast was clear, and I descended into sin.
I slowly undressed it. On the bag read a name scribbled in crayon: [Fruitnapping Fred]. I’m not quite sure who he is. At this point, it didn’t matter. [Fred] could find another apple. I revealed its silky crimson skin. All knowledge of Good and Evil, hinged on the nibble of a fruit. I gazed into its core, and it gazed back. The apple was mine. Or rather, I was the Apple’s.
My heart began to race, and I slammed the refrigerator shut. I slinked away, blind, guided only by the light of the Red Delicious. It took me to a study room. 300A. Here we are. Alone.
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With both hands, I clenched the Red Delicious. I put my lips to its delicate exterior, opened my mouth, and let it go in me.
Forgive me, [Fred]. I have sinned.
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