SCHOOL-WIDE EMAIL SENT FROM ENRAGED MICHIGAN LAW STUDENT OVER STOLEN APPLE
I was going to eat that. That’s what most people do with food they own, and what pets and assholes do with food owned by other people. It was in a bag, too. That means you had time to really consider what you were doing.
Well, I hope you enjoyed it. No. No I don’t. I hope you hated it. I hope it was a bad apple. That certainly would be fitting, and in a way, cannibalistic. I hope each bite brought you an appropriate amount of shame, which is to say, a lot, but not too much. And I hope that when you were finished eating it—that thing that wasn’t yours—you looked down at the slimy core, devoid of all value, and saw in it your own image; a reflection of your ruined, seedy self, thieving the fruits of another’s labor.
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If you had none of those feelings, well then I feel sorry for you. You may lack a fully-developed prefrontal cortex and simply not understand that what you did was wrong. Next up: small animals, then eventually, people.
More likely, though, you’re just kind of selfish. Or maybe broke (in which case, I’m sorry) or too lazy to leave the school and get your own food. Whatever the case, next time you’re hungry and are thinking about taking food from someone else, come find me. I’ll give you an apple. Maybe I’ll eat one with you, and we can sit around and laugh about that time you stole one from me, and how I wrote that scathing email that forever changed your warped, disturbing perspective on what it means to go through life like a normal human being.
Love,
[Fruitnapping Fred]