Biglaw, Gender, Pregnancy / Paternity, Small Law Firms

The Pink Ghetto: Paternity Leave Horror Stories From Dads Working In Law Firms

Male lawyers face rampant discrimination when it comes to law firm paternity leave policies.

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lawyer holding babyWelcome back to The Pink Ghetto, a series where we take a look at some of the most appalling stories from one of the most sexist industries in the world: the legal profession. In today’s special edition of this column, we’ll be discussing the discrimination and derogatory remarks male lawyers are subjected to when dealing with the prospect of taking paternity leave. These are real emails that we’ve received from real readers.

When you see things like this happening, say something. Together, we can inspire the change necessary to stop this disturbing behavior from being so prevalent in the law.

I work for a mid-size firm, and I’d always been told that we had a great parental leave program. That’s not the case for men. Prior to my wife giving birth, I was told I could get up to 14 days of unpaid time out of the office to spend with my newborn daughter because I wasn’t the primary caregiver. HR told me this was extremely generous. Partners scolded me when they found out I was planning to take the full two weeks off to bond with my baby. My commitment to the firm was questioned. What the fuck?

For the sake of comparison, women at this firm get 6-8 weeks of paid time off.

I’m at a small firm on the East Coast (15-20 lawyers in the tri-state area, to be specific). My wife had a very high-risk pregnancy and was put on bed rest early on. We live within a 10-minute drive of the office, and I was constantly sneaking out to help her. I’d discussed paternity leave with my boss, a guy in his mid-70s, and he told me to “man up” and “stop acting like a little sissy boy” because “this is not what breadwinners do, son.”

My twin boys were born prematurely. I was afraid that I’d lose my job if I attempted to bring up paternity leave again, so I took my one week of vacation time to see my kids in their incubator and help my wife. Not standing up for myself in this situation is the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. I feel like I am a little sissy boy. I wish I would’ve manned up. I wish I would’ve quit.

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My firm offers an extensive paternity leave policy on par with what women receive, something like 8-12 weeks of paid time off. When I broached the subject with a partner who I trust, she told me that she didn’t think my taking even the lowest portion of the available leave would fly with some of the older partners supervising matters I was working on, but encouraged me to do what I thought was right for my family. She said I owed it to my wife and daughter to be there for them. I made the decision then and there to take 4 weeks off. Gossip goes around quickly in my office, and when people found out I was planning to take 4 weeks, I’d heard that through the grapevine that I was taking advantage of the system and that I’d never make partner considering my low commitment to the firm. Why am I still at this firm?

I’m at a very, very small firm. When I asked about paternity leave, the partner in charge looked like he was trying not to laugh in my face, but said he’d consider it. He considered it until my wife was eight months pregnant, and then told me there would be no paternity leave. I took a total of 4 days off, unpaid, to see my wife and newborn son. I feel like a complete fuck up. But what was I supposed to do? It wasn’t like I could leave, we need the money desperately. I hate this shithole.

Do you have a law school or law firm story you’d like to see appear in The Pink Ghetto? Please email me with “The Pink Ghetto” in the subject line (or find me on Twitter: @StaciZaretsky). You will be kept anonymous. Submissions are always welcome!

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Staci Zaretsky is an editor at Above the Law. Feel free to email her with any tips, questions, or comments. Follow her on Twitter or connect with her on LinkedIn.

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