Contract Attorneys, Document Review

The Most Unhinged Document Review Rant Ever

Are there demons with mind-reading capabilities at this doc review project? No, probably not.

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devilSuperlatives are a weird thing, necessarily wrapped up in subjective opinions and judgment calls. But I have little issue calling this one of the most bizarre, outlandish and sad rants we’ve ever gotten here at Above the Law.

This particular screed is written by a document reviewer. Listen, I’ve spent my fair amount of time as a contract attorney, and I know that dark and depressing thoughts can overtake you when you’re spending 12 hours a day at the very bottom of the legal industry’s totem pole. Picture it: squished into a room so tightly with other law flunkees that sneezing causes a domino effect, clicking through documents till your wrist throbs like a teenager’s left alone for the weekend with PornTube, reading (ok, skimming) boring emails of people who make quintuple your salary, with no job security or employment benefits to speak of. So, yeah, dark, paranoid thoughts might dance through your head. But this is on another level.

It’s posted on Craigslist, ostensibly as a warning to any that may live or review documents in the Chevy Chase area that there are demons afoot. Yup. You read that right. Demons. With mind-reading capabilities, natch. The poster, whom we’ll call Ranting Rosemary, starts off warning those that may look to rent a room in the area that the landlord might have a supernatural interest in the unsuspecting. Then it devolves into vaguely racist musings about which ethnicities are capable of demonic possession before launching into the workplace shenanigans.

Ranting Rosemary has come to believe demonic powers are a prima facie requirement for document review — at least in D.C.:

It is particularly sad that having these demonic powers can also be a requirement for getting work as a Document Review Attorney in the area. Many lawyers come from different parts of the country to do this job in the area, especially in Washington, DC.

AND THEY GET RAPED, LITERALLY, WITH MANY OF THEM PROBABLY NOT KNOWING IT.

Wait, what?

What else can you call sitting in the midst of other so-called “lawyers” and they can read all the thoughts in your mind, feel your hands, feel your private parts, know when you have bowel movements, smell what you smell, SEE WHAT YOUR EYES SEE, etc.?

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That certainly sounds terrible, but, ah, maybe a little not real. I know, I know, I’m nothing but a blind sheeple.

Ranting Rosemary is not having a good time on this document review project, and blames the project managers for stacking the review room with Satanists just looking to pounce on those unlucky enough to get staffed:

It also appears an agency like TRUSTPOINT INTERNATIONAL is either in the know of these nocturnal / Satanic activities and is entirely staffed by such “powerful” “persons”, or it only KNOWINGLY employs those who exhibit such demonic inclinations (with the occasional person who is not demonic “slipping through the cracks” and getting DEMONICALLY RAPED, DAY-IN, DAY-OUT).

Then there is the whole issue of cheating. You don’t think Professor X got to be so smart just by book learning, do you?

Makes you wonder how people who can read others’ minds and see what others see GOT TO “EARN” THEIR LAW “DEGREES” IN THE FIRST PLACE, OR EVEN “PASS” THE “BAR” AND GET TO WORK AS “LAWYERS”.

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Every good conspiracy theory needs some defense to the argument that they’re just a loon spouting craziness. Some reason why the crazy ones are the real truth tellers, the Cassandras locked away for daring to speak the truth:

These people can DENY THE ABOVE ALL THEY WANT (BEING THE COWARDS THAT THEY ARE) BUT THEY NOW KNOW THEY HAVE AN UNRELENTING FIGHT “ON THEIR HANDS” (HOPE THEY GET THE CODED WORDS IN QUOTES), UNLESS THEY CHANGE OR AT LEAST TONE DOWN THEIR DEVILISH / DEMONIC WAYS, ESPECIALLY DURING WORK-HOURS WHILE A PROJECT IS ON-GOING…

(AND THE “HE / SHE IS CRAZY, ETC.” DEFENSE THEY HAVE RELIED ON FOR DECADES—PROBABLY EVEN CENTURIES—TO HIDE THEIR EVIL WON’T WORK THIS TIME AROUND. TOO MANY PEOPLE NOW KNOW ABOUT THIS DESTRUCTIVELY DEMONIC PHENOMENA AND ONE OF THEM WILL CRACK AND CONFESS SOMETIME. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS FROM THERE (ESPECIALLY THE REAL LAWYERS…)

Yeah, you meet a lot of interesting characters while doing document review.

Kathryn Rubino is an editor at Above the Law. Feel free to email her with any tips, questions, or comments and follow her on Twitter (@Kathryn1).

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