Fashion, Small Law Firms, Solo Practitioners

The Arrogant Lawyer’s Guide To Looking Important

These tips and tricks from Mr. Arrogant Lawyer should put you on the road to looking important.

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Gary J. Ross

Gary J. Ross

Ed. note: Gary J. Ross is writing a product review this week and apparently isn’t hardy enough to complete two postings in one week. Filling in once again is Mr. Arrogant Lawyer, who is in Nevis on his August vacation, and decided to spend a few minutes to provide Gary’s readers (both of them!) with his thoughts on how to look important.

The entire point of life is to be noticed. You want people to notice you. Otherwise, what’s the point? Why even bother. When I’m walking down Fifth Avenue and someone doesn’t peek at me at least a little bit, I give them a little shove. “Hey buddy! Here I am. Deal with it.”

And it isn’t enough just to be noticed. I could walk down the street in a clown suit and people would notice. I don’t want that. I want to be respected. Respect. Noticed and respected. The best way — the only way — to get both immediately is to look important. Gary would probably say something completely impractical like “do good work and respect will come.” Who’s got time for that? That’s probably why I’m in Nevis and he’s in his office writing product reviews. (He probably doesn’t even know where Nevis is.)

And here’s how to look important:

• The Look. Not a grimace. Not a smile — walking around in a permanent smile makes you look like an idiot. The look needs to be more like a confident sneer. Like, I got this. I got this, and you’ll never get it. That’s what you’re aiming for.
• Clothes. Go big or go small. There is no in-between. Either show up in a Brioni suit — okay, Givenchy is fine — or go the other way completely and wear cargo shorts and t-shirts, signifying you’re way too important to be bothered with peripheral trappings. When you see a confident man walking down the street in flip-flops on a Wednesday afternoon, you have to say to yourself, “Man, that guy has it going on.” Business casual is for wussies who need permission to not wear a tie. Gimme a break.
• Suitcase. To look important, your briefcase needs to be top-of-the-line, with just the right amount of wear. I once snatched an associates briefcase and scruffed it with my pocketknife, to do the kid a favor. Ungrateful brat kept saying something about it being a graduation present from his grandmother. Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure grandma doesn’t want you looking like a neophyte. And no messenger bags — if you have a messenger bag, people will think you’re a student. No student ever looked important.
• Teeth. If you don’t spend the money on veneers, Invisalign, crowns, and porcelain caps, well then, you’re just not trying very hard, are you?
• Glasses. Designer or contacts.  I once fired an associate on the spot for walking into my firm in CVS glasses. And that was back when I was an associate!
• Wedding band. Everyone is going to think you’re a loser if you’re not wearing one. So go out and buy yourself a wedding band. Who cares if you’re not married? It’s not like the jewelry store is going to demand a marriage certificate to sell you one.
• Food. If you ever bring your lunch, it better be something like stewed abalone with oyster sauce, otherwise I’m going to take it and throw it out the window on general principle. You’ll never look important eating a tuna sandwich or reheating pizza slices. And one other thing: break rooms are for staff.

The wife is telling me it’s time for the risqué pool games, so that’s all I have time for. These should put you on the road to looking important. Remember to shove anyone who doesn’t notice you. (Unless they have a confident look and flip-flops.)

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Gary will be back next week with more lame thoughts on going from Biglaw to SmallLaw. Snooze….

Gary J. Ross opened his own practice, Jackson Ross PLLC, in 2013 after several years in Biglaw and the federal government. Gary handles corporate and securities matters for startups, large and small businesses, private equity funds, and investors in each, and also has a number of non-profit clients. You can reach Gary by email at Gary.Ross@JacksonRossLaw.com.

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