Drinking, Politics

Everything You Need To Know About Tonight's Presidential Debate... And Drinking Game

Time for the presidential debate drinking game.

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beerTonight, on the campus of Hofstra University in lovely Long Island, New York, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will take an hour and a half (starting at 9 p.m. Eastern) to deliver the same dueling talking points they stump every day… but this time, on the same stage!

The stakes for tonight’s debate aren’t about swaying votes from the other side, or even the elusive undecideds. I mean, can you imagine there’s anyone out there who hasn’t formed an opinion about the two candidates yet? No, this is the Gary Johnson debate. Can either convince the Republicans planning to vote Johnson-Weld in protest to swallow their pride and vote for them instead? Trump needs these votes to hold on to those solid red states where Johnson may prove a spoiler. Hillary needs these voters in the purple states where gathering the right-leaning moderates defecting from Trump are the key to her success, and a non-fascist Republican throws a wrench in that.

So grab your beer or your whatever and join us in this humble drinking game. Because numbing your feelings with alcohol is really your only defense against weeping for the Republic.

We’re going to get the best drunk tonight… we’re going to get so drunk it’ll make your head spin.

Unless otherwise noted, take a sip whenever these come up:

Each new question — For those who haven’t been following the partisan hacks wise and conscientious folks at the Commission on Presidential Debates, the format for tonight’s altercation will be divided into six time segments of approximately 15 minutes each on major topics to be selected by the moderator.

As it turns out, moderator Lester Holt chose to devote two segments each to the following topics:

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America’s Direction
Achieving Prosperity
Securing America

At the start of each new session, you should salute everyone in the room. This is simply the genteel thing to do.

“Expectations” — At the risk of blacking out before the debate even starts, try to sip every time an analyst mentions the “expectations” that the candidates need to “exceed” or “meet,” as though buzzwords are the proper substitute for cogent analysis.

“Make America Great Again” — It’s fashionable to mock Trump’s catchphrase, but there are few campaign slogans in history that resonate as well as this one. This phrase will define this campaign for decades to come. This is “I Like Ike” level.

Hillary coughs — Have you heard she’s sickly? It’s probably AIDS.

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Gary Johnson — Toke up. That’s what the Founders and Ayn Rand would have wanted. If the pandering candidates mention him by name, let’s honor the dolt.

Constitutional Amendment Shout-Out — Take the number of sips of the Amendment. For example, take three sips if someone mentions quartering troops in peacetime, which, come to think of it, Trump may well support.

Justice Antonin Scalia — Gone but not forgotten. Both candidates could shoehorn a Supreme Court response into the “America’s Direction” discussion and both have reason to whip up enthusiasm among their base by reminding them that “Anointed Demigod” / “Bridge Troll” Antonin Scalia has left the Court in limbo.

Chief Judge Merrick Garland — Pour yourself a shot. Just let it sit 194 days.

Litmus Test — It’s probably a long shot to expect Holt to even mention the Supreme Court, let alone go into enough depth to ask about the candidates’ nomination philosophies. Which, considering how many people on both sides claim to “only be voting because of the Supreme Court,” seems crazy.

“Lawyers” — Haven’t heard this one in awhile, but the denizens of GOP-approved Real AmericaTM just hate them some lawyers. The fancy ones that Hillary hangs around, the ones defending immigrants, the ones protecting criminals… you name ’em.

Bankruptcy — Can America really trust someone with so many bankrupt entities in his wake? By the way, has anyone taken the time to really consider what these bankrupt Trump hotel projects mean? He couldn’t make money… on casinos. Casinos are legalized theft and he still couldn’t make ends meet.

Eminent Domain — Ted Cruz tried to hammer Trump on this all primary season and it never really went anywhere. But maybe Hillary will have more luck with the Property hypos.

Citizens United — Get the most expensive shot you can, then drink it with your non-dominant hand… that way there’s no improper coordination. Let’s hope this one comes up tonight, because it’d be nice to hear Hillary’s take on that time she went to Trump’s wedding because he wrote big checks.

Any other Supreme Court case — Finish your drink. As I’ve said before, I don’t think anything else — maybe Roe? — will come up, but then Dred Scott gets thrown in there and all hell breaks loose. So I’m more than prepared for Hillary to go into a lecture on International Shoe.

Financial Regulations — No need to get specific (the candidates sure won’t), but if the key to prosperity is outlined as a matter of more or less financial sector regulation, go ahead and take a sip.

Clinton Scandals — Finish your drink. For each — real or imagined — scandal that Trump manages to introduce, go ahead and finish up. Benghazi, private servers, Clinton Foundation donations, Vince Foster, etc. If Monica Lewinsky makes it into the debate, spill your drink on a dress and then go hang it in your closet for safe keeping. That said, Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway has said that Trump doesn’t intend to get into Bill Clinton’s indiscretions because the people “deserve and expect these candidates to be talking about the issues.” Then Conway market-tested whether or not to call Clinton “Crooked Hillary” from the stage, so maybe we have a loose definition of staying on the issues.

Trump University — Hillary could get into the act when it comes to scandals and bring up the open investigations into Trump’s real estate seminars.

“The Wall” — Good fences make good neighbors.

Any foreign leader named other than Putin or Netanyahu — Obviously these two will feature prominently in any security discussion (especially with Trump recently visiting with Bibi), but it’s worth a sip every time either candidate mentions a new foreign leader.

The dueling daughters — Keep a running total. If Chelsea is mentioned more than Ivanka, stop drinking immediately because you’ve fallen into an alternate reality and your only hope is to find an eccentric scientist to guide you home.

Joe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.

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