Benchslaps

Appeals Panel Rips Judge Over One-Minute Decision

Judge slammed for finishing too quickly.

By Joe Patrice on October 03, 2016 2:15 pm

BenchslapThe only thing more stinging than a satisfying benchslap is the cool, crisp bite of a sly insult. The understated quip can often accomplish so much more than the breathless broadside. For example, an opinion reversing the court below that signs off with, “next time, we assume you’ll do your job,” boasts more devastating heft than anything Justice Scalia served up. It’s just so cold.

And that’s basically what happened in the New Jersey courts last week when an appellate panel reversed a lower court decision dismissing and ordering arbitration in a credit debt case brought by a third party.

You may remember this practice of lowlife bottom-feeding from the John Oliver segment where he purchased $15 million in medical debt — companies that offer debt to people unlikely to pay it off used to build those defaults into their model. But, because society can’t leave well enough alone, those companies now sell these uncollected debts for rock bottom prices down the chain to entities less concerned about the bad PR that might come from threatening to bankrupt widows and orphans.

In this instance, the debt collector managed to get the case tossed after an oral argument of exactly one minute:

THE COURT: All right. Why shouldn’t this be in arbitration? Your credit card agreement says any dispute[] goes to arbitration. Right?
DEFENSE COUNSEL: Well, I have — I have two points. First, the — the party moving to compel [the] arbitration bears the burden of proof that the arbitration agreement exists. And the —
THE COURT: Well, it exists. Okay. So . . . just tell me . . . if they sign[ed] a credit card agreement that says any disputes go to arbitration, what are we doing here?
DEFENSE COUNSEL: And my second point is that it doesn’t exist because . . . the certification[] . . . attached a partial agreement without no —
THE COURT: This agreement contains an arbitration clause. Please read this. It’s going to arbitration. Thank you. Have a nice day.
PLAINTIFF’S COUNSEL: Thank you, Your Honor.
THE COURT: So it’s going to arbitration. Summary judgment is denied. Motion to answer interrogatories [propounded by defendant] is moot. Thank you.

No one’s been f**ked so badly in less than a minute this side of freshman prom.

Unfortunately for the overeager judge, the appellate panel took the exact opposite stance on whether or not this whole thing “exists.”

The appellate record shows that plaintiff’s sole evidence of the arbitration agreement’s existence consists of two single- spaced, photocopied pages. These pages contain a number of provisions written in a font that is smaller than the size required to be used in all appellate briefs pursuant to Rule 2:6-10. One of the pages contains an “Arbitration Notice.” This document does not reflect that defendant agreed to be bound to any of the provisions listed therein, particularly the arbitration clause at issue. Nor does the document bear defendant’s signature, or any other indicia of her assent. The only thing that connects the document to this case is a certification signed by a “Legal Specialist” employed by plaintiff in St. Cloud, Minnesota.

In fairness to the lower court, the Supreme Court’s basically said that an arbitration clause can be binding if it’s gently whispered through the trees within 50 miles of the Delaware border so the court probably didn’t feel like it was stepping too far out of line to accept two sentences written in microdot by Rose Nylund: St. Olaf’s Premier Paralegal. But New Jersey is a little more particular about when companies can blindside customers into arbitration.

But it’s this closer, man. The panel concluded its reversal of the motion judge’s one-minute wrong decision:

We anticipate that the court will engage counsel with more patience on remand.

Ouch. That’s the “we’re not mad, just disappointed” of the judiciary right there.

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