Biglaw, Holidays and Seasons

The Associate's Guide To Holiday Parties

The Annual Party Survival Guide

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Christmas partyIf you’ve worked in Biglaw for any length of time, waking up at your desk is not a foreign concept. Waking up at on desk amid a bevy of broken beer bottles with your tie around your head on the other hand may be entirely foreign. And not just because your firm is business casual and you haven’t worn a tie in years. Did you get yourself fired last night? Is someone — or something — pregnant? Or worse, did you volunteer to review documents in Wichita?

The Biglaw (or any office frankly) holiday party is fraught with profound risk. If law schools really cared about building the “practice-ready” attorney, they’d make every 1L legal methods course end with an issue spotter exam about the firm party.

It’s important to note that not every mistake you can make at one of these parties boils down to alcohol. Our columnist Brian Cuban wrote a great guide for the sober holiday party, but it’s worth remembering that some of the biggest mistakes you can make at a holiday party can still strike if you’re stone cold sober.

Here are some key tips and pitfalls to avoid.

Mandatory Fun Is Not Billable: You may not want to be there, but that doesn’t mean it’s billable. Meh. Maybe that “Office-General” code.

Don’t Dance: Ever. Maybe if you trained for over a decade at one of those conservatories that gave you a Black Swan eating disorder, but otherwise don’t attempt it. Have you ever seen Seinfeld? They effectively hit on this. It’s paranoia to believe that everyone is watching you at the party. It’s realistic to believe that some people are watching you at the party and they’re inevitably the judgey ones. Your credibility as a professional is at stake.

Tread Lightly On Bonus Talk: If you really have to show off how light on your feet you are, practice walking on egg shells around bonus talk. This may spark some disagreement. Many folks might encourage a polite word of thanks to the partners you speak with, but honestly it’s just too dangerous. You don’t know the internal politics of the firm — the partner you’re thanking may have been fought hard against that bonus, or maybe not had a seat at the table at all. That bonus may be hurting them in the pocketbook, forcing Little Jimmy to settle for a private pre-school that doesn’t have fair trade, 100 percent gluten-free teachers.

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Keep A Spare Outfit In Your Office: I’m not saying that you’ll get drunk and vomit all over yourself. Perhaps I am. But even if I weren’t, it’s important to remember that lawyer parties are an excuse for — and this is an admittedly gendered example — middle-aged women who can’t hold their liquor to guzzle red wine like it’s a juice box. If you catch yourself in a conversation with someone living this particular lie, they’ll eventually gesticulate wildly while explaining some f**king trip to the Hamptons they took last summer and spill all over you. Be prepared.

That Partner Isn’t Really Your Buddy: Sure, if you’ve done a lot of work with a partner they’re probably hanging out with you at the party because they genuinely like you. That’s great. The party is an excellent opportunity to build on that mentor-mentee relationship. But beware the partner you don’t really know sidling up to you. You know why they’re there? Because no one wants to work with them and they see easy prey in a party full of associates intoxicated on good cheer, alcohol, three rails of coke… whatever. The next thing you know you’re on a 7-month trial with a screamer.

Don’t Hook Up With That Paralegal: Next thing you know you’re in a 7-month relationship with a screamer.

Just Because It’s Free Does Not Mean You Have To Go Top-Shelf: This isn’t a summer associate gig anymore. Back then you survived for days on the table scraps the philosopher kings of your firm threw your way. But now you’re making, presumably, big bucks and you don’t need the firm to give you that elusive single-malt. Or, for that matter, that raw oyster. Do you really want law firm catered oysters sitting on ice for hours? In both cases, you’re much better off using beer or wine to wash down your chips or pigs-in-a-blanket. You’ll keep your wits about you much better and probably avoid a trip to the firm’s well-appointed conference floor bathroom.

Proudly Display The Tacky Party Favors: At my first holiday party as an associate, the firm sprung for these light-up ice cubes (affiliate link) at one of its bar stations. Every cocktail came with a plastic encased dab of freezer gel and an LED that turned on when you struck the cube on a hard surface. There was nothing cool about walking around with a light brite bourbon (because I clearly violated the last rule). But you know what was critical? Everyone asking me “where did you get that?” Regardless of seniority, I was the guy with the intel. That builds trust right there.

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Keep Recruiters On Speed Dial: You may need them tomorrow.

Alert Above The Law Immediately Of Any Shenanigans: This should go without saying. When the depravity hits full steam, let us know by email, by text message (646-820-8477), or by tweet (@ATLblog). You’ll stay anonymous.

Earlier: A Sober Navigation Of The Law Firm Holiday Party Circuit

HeadshotJoe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.

Photo via Getty Images

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