Do This Before You Send An Angry, Emotional Email That You'll Regret

Words are perhaps the most important tool lawyers have and it's important to be skillful in the words you choose.

Man-yelling-at-computerWe’ve all been there. An email lands in your Inbox and before you even open the email, you’re seeing red. Your stomach clenches into a tight knot, you can feel the tension in your shoulders, and your head starts pounding.

Despite all of this, you feel compelled to open the email and you feel as though you could strangle the person who sent the email.

The brain kicks into full gear and it starts narrating what is happening in the moment. “That jerk! He’s always trying to pick a fight so he can rack up the billable hours. He’s always so difficult.” The narrating voice might also be passing judgment on you. “You shouldn’t let him get under your skin! Stop getting angry. Get over it.”

You immediately pound out an email and hit Send. A few minutes later, you get a response, and this time, it’s more irritating than the last. Before you know it, you’ve wasted an entire afternoon playing out World War III fought in words over email.

Intuitively, we all know that these types of email exchanges are unhelpful and unproductive but sometimes our desire to “win” — or perhaps to put it more accurately, our ego — gets in the way of taking a wiser action.

Three Practices Before Hitting Send

1. Add a pause before the reaction. Email is a wonderful medium for facilitating immediate communication. However, this is also its downfall. When you receive an angering or emotional email, there’s a natural tendency to react. However, this often leads to unskillful words.

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Implement a rule where you commit to adding a pause before you respond. This might be an hour, four hours, a day, or even 48 hours. By all means, unleash your fury and type out your response, but pause before hitting Send.

Try the STOP technique:

  • Stop
  • Take a breath
  • Observe
  • Proceed mindfully

2. Work through your own reaction before responding. When you’re seeing red, when your body is in fight-or-flight mode, when your mind is speeding by at 150 mph, this is a critical time to “secure your own oxygen mask.” Go for a brisk walk, talk to a colleague, practice diaphragmatic breathing, meditate, or do whatever you do to practice self-care.

Commit to not reacting until you’ve returned to homeostasis.

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3. Practice wise speech.

These four guidelines for wise speech are a way of ensuring that you don’t say something that you’ll regret later or will lead to further deterioration of communication.

1. Abstain from false speech; do not tell lies or deceive.
2. Do not slander others or speak in a way that causes disharmony or enmity.
3. Abstain from rude, impolite, or abusive language.
4. Do not indulge in idle talk or gossip.

Once you’re at a relatively calm space, ask yourself, “What is the desired outcome?” Look at the situation with a long view. We can often get completely lost in details that ultimately doesn’t make much of a difference.

No matter how difficult of a problem you may be trying to resolve, consider that maintaining a harmonious relationship with your client, opposing counsel, and others involved is critical.

There’s no need to attack the person personally or attack using rude, impolite, or abusive language.

The practice of wise speech reduces the likelihood of regret or guilt over your words and allows you to stand in confidence as well as maintain your dignity.

Words are perhaps the most important tool lawyers have and it’s important to be skillful in the words you choose.

What are your thoughts on best email practices? Drop me an email at smile@theanxiouslawyer.com or over on Twitter.


Jeena Cho HeadshotJeena Cho is the author of The Anxious Lawyer: An 8-Week Guide to a Joyful and Satisfying Law Practice Through Mindfulness and Meditation (affiliate link). She regularly speaks and offers training on mindfulness and meditation. You can reach her at hello@jeenacho.com or @jeena_cho on Twitter.