Celebrities

* Due to the speed at which she was driving, Caitlyn Jenner could face a vehicular manslaughter charge related to the fatal chain-reaction car crash she was involved in earlier this year. The ESPY-winning celeb’s fate is in the district attorney’s hands now. [NBC News]

* Surprise! David Sweat, one of the New York inmates who led authorities on a three-week manhunt after he escaped from prison in June, pleaded not guilty to felony escape charges at his arraignment. He’ll likely get a few years added onto his life sentence if he’s convicted. [Reuters]

* Oh baby: Valeant is buying Sprout Pharmaceuticals, the maker of the “female Viagra,” for a cool $1 billion. Skadden Arps and Sullivan & Cromwell, the firms repping the companies, must be turned on by the deal. [DealBook / New York Times; Am Law Daily]

* Prosecutors in the David Messerschmitt case are seeking a 25-year sentence for Jamyra Gallmon, the woman who stabbed the DLA Piper associate in a robbery-gone-wrong and left him for dead in a D.C. hotel room. Her attorney is asking for 18 years. [Legal Times]

* The Florida Bar is recommending disbarment for a group of attorneys accused of arranging a DUI arrest for a rival attorney during a high-profile trial. You’ve got to admit this set-up was a particularly bold move, even for Flori-duh lawyers. [Tampa Bay Times]

How could anyone in the courtroom concentrate while the star quarterback's face was melting off?

Gawker pins Hulk Hogan to the mat in the latest round of this bitter legal battle.

* Michael Jordan was present during jury selection for his case against defunct supermarket Dominick’s, but potential jurors didn’t seem the least bit fazed. In fact, just a single one of them considered the basketball star their “personal hero or idol.” Ouch. [Chicago Tribune]

* Maryland Law will be offering a very topical “Law and ______” class this semester, entitled “Freddie Gray’s Baltimore: Past, Present and Moving Forward.” Students enrolled in the course will be asked to create fixes for social problems. This’ll be interesting. [WSJ Law Blog]

* According to the GC of Fannie Mae, Biglaw’s profit structure is broken, but the solution he proposes to the problem may not sit well with associates who are slaves to the billable hour — but only if they care about their hourly rates. [Big Law Business / Bloomberg BNA]

* Unlike most of his colleagues, Larry Sonsini of Wilson Sonsini didn’t immediately join a brand name Biglaw firm after he graduated from law school. Instead, he created his own brand name Biglaw firm, so that worked out well. Your own mileage may vary. [Forbes]

* It seems that New York City’s Responsible Banking Act is unconstitutional because it conflicts with existing state and federal banking laws. To be fair, between dueling mayoral policies, this law was completely FUBARed from the get go. [DealBook / New York Times]

Not your ordinary lawyer letter: "It is, as I understand it, the accusation of having a SMALL penis that is understood to be an insult." (Emphasis in original.)

* Her dad’s the ringleader, he calls the shots; she’s like a firecracker, she makes it hot: Since “everything is working perfectly” under pop star Britney Spears’s conservatorship — which has been in effect for the past seven years — it’ll likely stay that way indefinitely. [Us Weekly]

* Well, that was fun while it lasted. The ABA did away with its year-old LSAT exemption rule in record time. Law schools will only have until 2017 to lard up classes with students who haven’t taken the exam. Good luck and Godspeed. [National Law Journal via TaxProf Blog]

* Simpson Thacher isn’t the only Biglaw firm that allegedly blew it when it came to turning hundreds of General Motors’ secured creditors into unsecured creditors. Mayer Brown is also facing twin class-action suits for this $1.5 billion boo-boo. [Crain’s Chicago Business]

* Good news, everyone! The ABA approved a merger between Rutgers Law-Camden and Rutgers Law-Newark, and we’re going to look at this in a positive light because theoretically speaking, there’s now one less law school out there. [MyCentralJersey.com]

* “Are Law Schools Skewing Job Placement Numbers?” In a word, yes. Not to be a complete pessimist realist, but come on, you know most school-funded positions exist solely to prop up any given law school’s less-than-pleasing job statistics. [Bloomberg]

* When you’ve taken the lives of so many, no one cares about your sad life story. A Colorado jury inched closer to inflicting the death penalty upon convicted movie theater shooter James Holmes in the second phase of his trial’s penalty portion. [New York Times]

* A jury has ruled that rapper 50 Cent must pay an additional $2 million in punitive damages to a woman whose sex tape he posted online, on top of the $5 million he already owes her. This wanksta better hope the judgment gets discharged in bankruptcy. [Associated Press]

* California is America’s breeding ground for unaccredited law schools, and “[m]ost jurisdictions simply don’t allow [these] kind of law school[s] to exist at all. Period.” Nearly all students (about 9 out of 10) drop out before graduation. How much money is being wasted? [Los Angeles Times]

* Since 2007, the pay gap between the highest- and lowest-paid positions in many specialized fields has widened — but that isn’t the case when it comes to the legal profession. Unfortunately, not as many people are making it rain. [New York Times]

* “[M]aybe legislation should fix this. Not the court.” A San Diego judge has suggested that he’ll likely dismiss a right-to-die lawsuit filed by Christy O’Donnell, a civil rights attorney who’s fighting a battle against lung, brain, spine, rib, and liver cancer. [NBC San Diego]

* You’ve seen reactions to Harper Lee’s portrayal of Atticus Finch as a racist in Go Set A Watchman (affiliate link) from everyone and their mother and their dog, but maybe you haven’t seen reactions from law professors yet, so have a look. [National Law Journal]

You'll never guess the answer to this question.

* “Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys potheads.” Country singer-songwriter and OG stoner Willie Nelson says marijuana will be legal in all 50 states within the next decade. Who knows, maybe his cannabis-crazed dreams will come true. [San Antonio Express-News]

* Where do lonely hearts go? To court. This ex-Illinois Law student was accused of stalking a classmate and barred setting foot on campus for a two-year time period. A new trial was ordered, and now he may be able to graduate. Yay? [National Law Journal]

* Law firms of all sizes are merging at a record pace, but that doesn’t mean that it’s going to continue like this ad infinitum. Eventually, all of the fun is going to stop, and it’ll likely because there isn’t any more profitability to be had for these firms. Womp. [Am Law Daily]

* Corporate legal departments are pushing for more diversity among their ranks, with companies like Xerox leading the way. NAPABA is hopeful that we’ll see 20 Asian-American lawyers as general counsel of Fortune 500 companies by 2020. [WSJ Law Blog]

* For a man who wanted to “get rich or die tryin,” things don’t seem to be working out so well: Bankrupt rapper 50 Cent was busy denying ownership of many of his luxury items in court this week. He says he rents, borrows, and leases most of his bling. [Associated Press]

* Because sometimes the application of the law seems like an indecent proposal: Demi Moore is “in absolute shock” because she may be facing a lawsuit for negligent supervision due to a pool drowning that occurred at her home while she was out of the country. [Fox News]

* “The bow tie is a manifestation of my unwillingness to become part of the rabble.” Male lawyers face harsh criticism about their fashion choices, too, and these New Jersey attorneys will wear their bow ties with pride, no matter what. [Bergen Record]

* In a recent interview, Justice Alito critiqued his SCOTUS colleagues for adopting a seemingly limitless interpretation of the 14th Amendment: “I don’t know what the limits of substantive liberty protection under the 14th Amendment are at this point.” [Legal Times]

* If you’d like to be a federal appellate judge by the age of 35, then Judge Alex Kozinski of the Ninth Circuit has some advice for you. First and foremost, know where to “peddle your wares” — get a job in Washington, D.C., ASAP. [Concurring Opinions via ABA Journal]

* Managing partners, repeat this mantra: Don’t do a Dewey! Thanks to the D&L financial disaster, Biglaw firms have decided to cut back on or ditch bank loans completely and get by with a little help from their friends partners in times of need. [Wall Street Journal]

A law clerk enlists a star athlete to break important news to her husband.

* “I don’t know what you heard about me, but a bitch can’t get a dollar out of me.” Truer lyrics have never been rapped. 50 Cent’s legal team will face off in bankruptcy court against lawyers for a woman owed $5 million thanks to a sex-tape scandal. [Business Insider]

* You may be happy that income-based loan repayment exists and is saving you from defaulting on your law school debts, but in a few decades, you’re probably going to get F’d in the A by a ticking tax time bomb. [Student Loan Ranger / U.S. News]

* If you missed it, James Eagan Holmes, the shooter in the Dark Knight movie theater massacre in Colorado, was convicted for killing 12 people and wounding 70 others. Next up is the sentencing phase of his trial, and the death penalty is on the table. [Denver Post]

* The head honchos at Goldman Sachs are sad their second-quarter profits were reduced by ~half thanks to protracted litigation stemming from the financial crisis. The bank had to put away $1.45B for “mortgage-related litigation.” [DealBook / New York Times]

* The stars at night may be big and bright deep in the heart of Texas, but Berg & Androphy, led by attorney David Berg, is trying its hand at big city life in New York. It got the hang of things, y’all: B&A has already poached two Kasowitz partners. [Lawdragon]

Meet Heather Dietrick, president and general counsel of Gawker Media, who's now spearheading Gawker's defense in the Hulk Hogan sex video lawsuit.

* Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced — even she couldn’t stand the thought of him being Batman. Celebrity divorces don’t come cheap, and you know what that must mean: high-powered lawyers and even higher rates for their billable hours! [CNN]

* “[H]ow young would you go…I’d do 5[,] [b]ut 0-12 is hot.” Well, that’s absolutely disgusting. Matthew Gigot, an attorney who does doc review in the D.C. area, was charged in a child pornography case for sexual performance using a minor. [FOX 5 DC]

* The main line of defense as of late in the Dewey trial for the former head honchos of this failed firm is that everyone sends out embarrassing — and potentially incriminating — emails from time to time. We know all abput that here at Above the Law. [WSJ Law Blog]

* “Put down the bong, throw out the vaporizer and lose the rolling papers.” If you’re hoping to land a job at any federal agency any time in the near future, then you better quit your toking as soon as possible, even if it’s legal in your state. [New York Times]

* Here’s some sad news for women who are interested in taking home their apparently delicious and nutritious placentas to feast upon after their children are born in hospitals: it’s only completely legal in three states — Hawaii, Oregon, and Texas. [The Stir]

Michelle Obama has motivated audiences throughout the nation with her personal stories, compelling anecdotes, and life lessons.

If your law firm has to be compared to a car, a Cadillac Escalade isn't a bad way to go.

* From Fuller House to the Big House? Actor John Stamos was arrested for driving under the influence and briefly hospitalized this weekend. Listen, Uncle Jesse, we know you’re still a celebrity, per se, but as Joey Gladstone would say, you really need to cut it out, capice? [Variety]

* “You’re right, I am the man.” Former U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder received a warm reception during his keynote at the American Constitution Society convention’s opening gala this weekend when an audience member shouted out, “Eric Holder, you the man!” [Legal Times]

* Lawyers, here’s a useful practice pointer on “reverse sexism.” Per a new study, men on three-judge panels of federal appellate courts tend to “view women as damsels in distress who need their protection,” but are much harsher on male litigants. [WSJ Law Blog]

* More law schools are opening solo incubators and firms, boosting their employment stats and losing hundreds of thousands of dollars along the way. Rutgers Law lost $100K, but it’s a small price to pay to make it look like your grads get “jobs.” [Associated Press]

* “Time to engage counsel?” This is the question that parents are being forced to ask themselves in the face of legal liability waivers for post-prom parties. Seriously? Man, am I glad I was in high school before parents became contractual killjoys. [New York Times]

Columnist Renwei Chung mines a recent commencement speech by the chess champion for wisdom.

He's accumulated enough criminal charges that it would make sense for him to star in "It's the Great Rap Sheet, Charlie Brown."

* After a particularly bootylicious performance in Morocco that was aired on live TV, singer Jennifer Lopez is facing a lawsuit which alleges that she “disturbed public order and tarnished women’s honor and respect.” Her first affirmative defense: Dat ass tho. [Newsweek]

* Our congratulations go out to Texas Supreme Court Justice Don R. Willett (@JusticeWillett) for achieving the rare and prestigious honor of being recognized as the “Tweeter Laureate of #Texas.” Way to dole out judicial wit and humor 140 characters at a time, Your Honor. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Howrey gonna pay our creditors if we can’t cash in on unfinished business? A judge recently overturned this failed firm’s bankruptcy court win, noting that since “[t]he law firm defendants performed the work; they deserve the pay.” [Dow Jones Business News]

* Sorry, job hunters, but despite what you may have heard about the boom years being back, the legal job market is stuck in a “pattern of anemic growth,” and it’s been that way since the Great Recession. Please give your mother our condolences. [Am Law Daily]

* It’s only a matter of time before the majority of U.S. states legalize marijuana, and Illinois may be the next in line to do so. If you’re thinking about joining the green rush and want to learn more, come to our marijuana law reception next week. [Chicago Tribune]