College Football

* Pennsylvania may have new child abuse reporting requirements by the year’s end. Apparently the key to efficiency in state government is to sully the reputation of the state’s pride and joy. [CNN]

* “There is always room for a good law school, regardless of the climate.” Say hello to Peter C. Alexander, the founding dean at the Indiana Tech law school that nobody wants. [Journal Gazette]

* The hunt for the remains of Mercer Law grad Lauren Giddings is playing out like an episode of Scooby Doo. Will the gang be able to investigate at Old Man Jenkins’s Browning’s farm? [Macon Telegraph]

* A paralegal-cum-prisoner is suing over his soy-based diet, saying it’s cruel and unusual punishment. He’s doing life for child sexual battery, so I say bring on the soy! [New York Times]

* Lat once said that lawyers are like cockroaches: you can’t kill them. Probably why this lawyer bugged out when he saw his creepy-crawly brethren on an AirTran flight. [New York Daily News]

If they hanged Joe Paterno from a tree and gave little boys a bat and said “whack that man like a piñata,” it probably wouldn’t hurt as much as what’s actually about to happen to JoePa.

Because while the former head coach of the Penn State football team has escaped criminal penalty in the Jerry Sandusky scandal, civil liability will be a whole different ballgame.

Penn State is going to be hit with so many civil suits over this mess that the only mirth in Happy Valley will belong to the lawyers. The only people who should be standing on Paterno’s lawn are attorneys on retainer. Things are going to get so ugly for the old football coach — and everybody on his staff, and pretty much every university official — than he can’t possibly fully appreciate it. I just hope he’s more prepared for his depositions than his press conferences.

Obviously, we don’t yet have all the facts. But just looking at the Grand Jury report should tell you that civil actions are coming….

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* Herman Cain’s got Wood over all of these sexual harassment accusers. No, seriously. He hired Bryan Cave defector L. Lin Wood to handle his possible defamation claims. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Sad and depressing old man news: Joe Paterno’s legal innocence was irrelevant. Instead of letting him retire at the end of the year, the Penn State Board of Trustees fired him last night. [New York Times]

* A woman from Idaho with some real backwoods charm. What to do when your husband — a lawyer — plots to kill you? Stand by your man and blame the corrupt government. [ABC News]

* Tired of getting screwed? Mayor Bloomberg makes nice with the OWS people, congratulating them for “generally . . . not break[ing] the law.” What a sad great accomplishment. [New York Post]

* And this is why you don’t play games with your résumé, folks. Here’s some proof that next time you lie about being covered in Ivy, you’re going to get a wicked bad rash. [Boston Herald]

* If assignments like this appeared more often, I bet people would stop procrastinating so much and do their homework all day, every day (and then do it again for extra credit). [Arizona Republic]

* Have the Biebs’s lawyers learned nothing from Bill Urquhart? Always CHECK YOU EMAILS to avoid a public Maury Povich-esque paternity problem. [New York Daily News]

Sandusky realizes he's been sacked.

* “The most valuable assets of a law firm go home every night.” If only Biglaw firms realized that prior to dissolution, we’d probably have a lot more happy partners and associates. [WSJ Law Blog]

* If we can’t deregulate the legal profession, then what can we do to improve it? One law professor suggests reforming law schools. Gee, I think I’ve heard that somewhere before. [Washington Post]

* Penn State totally fumbled the Sandusky sexual assault allegations. In other news, the purported child abuser’s autobiography is called Touched. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. [Bloomberg]

* Kitty Genovese’s killer has been denied parole for the fifteenth time. And he should keep getting denied for as long as bystander effect is taught in Psych 101 classes. [New York Law Journal]

* Justin Bieber plans to prove that he’s still a virgin not the baby daddy of Mariah Yeater’s child. If he’s right, he’s going to sue and hope for one less lonely girl in his life. [New York Daily News]

Judge William Adams

* Remember Judge William Adams, the Texas state court judge who was reportedly videotaped in the act of beating his daughter, Hillary Adams? He has now commented on the situation (and so has his ex-wife, Hallie Adams). [KZTV.com]

* And here is Kashmir Hill’s take on the whole sad situation. [Not-So Private Parts / Forbes]

* Members of the law review at GW Law School have issued a comment on the recent email controversy — which is impressive! (Aside: lighten up, guys; it’s all in good fun.) [Nota Bene]

* FYI, if you have problems with anonymous comments here at Above the Law, you should know that we’re having an internal discussion about possibly changing our system. [What About Clients?]

* Beating a dead horse isn’t illegal. Doing what this woman did to a dead horse isn’t illegal. Sucks to be a dead horse. [Daily Mail]

* Our friend Joseph Rakofsky makes it into the Urban Dictionary. [The Trial Warrior; Legal Skills Prof Blog]

* Says Elie: “Some say WVU’s lawsuit against the Big East reflects ‘arrogance.’ The real arrogance is how Notre Dame refuses to come in and save the conference.” [Legal Blitz]

* Swordplay: it’s all fun and games until someone’s intestines spill out of his abdomen. [CBS 3 - Springfield]

DDs = Divorce Dollars?

* Herman Cain says he’s not in the habit of sexually harassing women. That’s too bad, because he’s got a great pick-up line for Election 2012: “I got your 9-9-9 right here. It’s in my pants.” [Reuters]

* Apparently Andrew Shirvell “has a history of trying desperately to smear people.” When so many people think you’re a closet case, that kind of a statement could be taken out of context. [Detroit Free Press]

* In college football news, West Virginia University wants to lose to unranked teams in a relevant conference so badly that the school is suing the Big East in the hopes of getting embarrassed quicker. [Washington Post]

* In honor of Kim Kardashian’s divorce, I propose that we play a game called “Things Longer Than Kim’s Marriage.” I’ll start: her sex tape with Ray Jay. [New York Post]

* Fake people. Fake cases. Judge Jerry. Looks like Judge Judy decided to let her husband out of his cage so he can play a judge in a new television series. [New York Daily News]

* Looks like you really screwed the Cooch. Virginia and its Obamacare challenge got slapped around today by the Fourth Circuit. [Blog of Legal Times]

* Just how rich are the members of SCOTUS? When you’re worth $45M, like RBG, you can afford to fall asleep during the State of the Union address. But you can’t afford such luxuries when you’re still Sonia from the block. [Forbes]

* An interesting read on the Kenneth Moreno case from the perspective of a juror. Buy it on your Kindle and check it on the way home today. [Gothamist]

* What is law school’s dirty little secret? If you have social skills, you don’t need to be in the top ten percent to get a job. Fair warning, because your mileage may vary with this bit of advice. [Law Riot]

* If Texas A&M is actually allowed to join the SEC, fans are going to have to learn how to start talking smack about the Big 12 and buy a pair of jorts stat. [ESPN]

* What a Masshole: sorry, lady, but if seeing your criminal history in print is too upsetting, maybe a career change is in order? No judge is just going to stop the presses for you. [Salem News]

* “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here! Thou art cash cows being led to the $laughter!” Well, if you’re going to riff on my school, at least get your facts straight. We cry in our cars. [LOLawyer]

* No, you cannot change your name to NJWeedman.com. We get it, you smoke two joints before you smoke two joints. But if you lose the domain, your stoner friends would be confused. [Gawker]

It comes as no surprise, but going to a college football game at your alma matter is supposed to be fun, even if your team sucks. And generally speaking, Georgia Tech sucks. Okay fine, the team won the ACC title in 2009, but that title was just vacated. Nobody likes a cheater.

But even if your team sucks more than Tori Black, you can still drink the suck away at a pre-game tailgate party. And if you’re heading to a home game at Georgia Tech, you can grab some Chick-Fil-A before the game, too.

And that is exactly what Georgia Tech alum Mary Clayton did before a football game in September of last year. She might not have been drinking before the game, but she definitely wanted to “eat mor chikin,” so she tried to enter the stadium with a chicken sandwich in hand. What started for Clayton as a game to remember turned into a day she’d like to forget, due to an alleged sandwich security strip search….

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Ed. note: Natasha Lydon is a new writer who will be helping out around Above the Law. She graduated from NYU Law School and spent years at a Vault top 50 law firm. She’ll be writing posts and working on some long-term projects. Also she’ll occasionally stop Elie from murdering the English language.

While most of us have been busy watching the worst championship game in history, scandal continues to brew over in that other college sport. Investigators recently issued their official report cataloging all of the alleged wrongdoing that has gone down in relation to the Fiesta Bowl, one of college football’s most prestigious bowl games. If you have a weekend to spare, you can read the public version of the Final Report here.

The Fiesta Bowl commissioned an initial investigation in early 2009 after rumors of campaign contribution improprieties first surfaced. This investigation was conducted by Grant Woods, a former Arizona Attorney General, who offered the Fiesta Bowl the oral conclusion that he had found “no credible evidence” of wrongdoing.

After The Arizona Republic went public with the rumors and people started to suspect that Woods’ investigation was improper (more on this later), the State of Arizona initiated a more serious investigation. Two Fiesta Bowl representatives teamed up with a former Chief Justice of the Arizona Supreme Court to choose an appropriate investigator. The winner was the law firm of Robins, Kaplan, Miller & Ciresi.

After five months of investigating, the firm issued a 276-page tome that reads like an issue spotting nightmare…

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