Lawyer Wellness

Ed note:This is the latest installment in a series of posts from the ATL Career Center’s team of expert contributors. Today, Megan Grandinetti explains why “treating yourself” with your favorite foods may not be the best idea.

I gave a wellness talk at a law firm recently, and one of my tips for staying healthy while working crazy hours is to “streamline your Seamless”: pick a number of healthy, go-to meals that you can order during late nights at the office (and stick with those choices). Some of the participants were taken aghast by this suggestion: “BLASPHEMY!” they cried. “We deserve to treat ourselves for working so hard!”

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the “Treat Yourself” attitude is not going to work in the long run, unless you’re trying to gain weight for a movie role (Now Playing: The Chubby, Sedentary Lawyer).

Continue reading at the ATL Career Center…

Key to writing a self-help piece? Pictures of bland smiling people.

Self-help books are amazing. So simple, so pedantic, so lucrative. If I could muster enough “human compassion,” I’d get in on that action. But, as is I’ll have to stick with mocking dumb lawyers online. It’s a living.

A self-help book for lawyers is out and boasts some advantages for lawyers choosing to live a “wellness” lifestyle.

If you’re wondering what “wellness” means, it’s kind of a catch-all pop psych term for “not being a f**kup.” Glad I could help out….

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As I mentioned earlier today, I’m probably dying. Having the flu is like being drunk without any of the fun or reliable breathing.

I’m feeling better today than yesterday (thanks for asking), when I blew off work via a text message that read, “Not coming in tomorrow. Sorry.” Actually, I don’t remember if I included the “sorry” part, because I wasn’t, but “sorry” seems like a nice thing that I hope I said. I have a pretty sweet job for calling in sick. Here’s how it works: I get sick, I tell somebody (doesn’t really matter who), and I go back to bed.

That’s not all that different than how I rolled in Biglaw. Of course, I didn’t last very long in Biglaw. In Biglaw, people act like overcoming illness to work on documents makes them Michael Jordan in the flu game. I always thought it was stupid, and borderline malpractice, to attempt to work on sensitive client matters when you’ve got enough Duane Reade in you that it’s illegal for you to drive a car, but I’m also the guy who used to remote into work because it was “too cold” and took a “personal day” whenever Madden dropped.

Let my mistakes be your guide. Here are five times when I called in sick and I didn’t get dirty looks from all the partners when I returned. So I can only assume that these are the five situations where it’s “okay” to be sick.

I’ve put it together in the form of a listicle because I can’t be bothered to put in transitional phrases like an adult. For those who might be interested in using this list as a guide for scoring a day off, I’ve ordered this from the most believable ways to call in sick to the least…

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Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts from the ATL Career Center’s team of expert contributors. Today, Megan Grandinetti — an attorney, health coach, and yoga teacher, whom we recently profiled — offers seven health tips for junior associates.

Law school does not prepare you for what it takes to be a junior associate. As a junior associate, you are experiencing a brand new kind of stress (the really bad kind!), which on its own can cause weight gain. Stress can also increase your blood pressure, prevent you from sleeping, give you unpleasant digestive symptoms (yuck), and wreak havoc on even the healthiest relationships.

Because you might be in a bit over your head, with very little time to take care of yourself, it is really easy to make choices that are bad for your health when you start your legal career.

Here are seven easy tips to help you make the first couple of years just a little bit healthier.

Continue reading at the ATL Career Center…

Earlier this week, a tipster sent us a link to a Greedy Associates post entitled “Why Do Lawyers Drink So Much?” My initial thought was “Ugh.” Honestly, somebody writes that article every three months, and every six months we have to write another version of the same story.

The reasons given for lawyer alcoholism are always the same. “Lawyers are only alcoholic because they’re super TYPE A badasses.” “Lawyers hate their jobs and drink to forget.” “It’s not the law that makes people alcoholics, it’s alcoholics who choose the law!”

I was going to ignore this latest Drunks and the Law story, but then the scotch in my coffee kicked in and I thought, “Hey, isn’t it just that lawyers drink because they can?”

Think about it: being a lawyer is a great job to have if you want to drink as much as possible while also having a job…

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This scale might not be just, but it's usually truthful.

Recently, I decided I wanted to lose some weight. Not a lot of weight — that would require an entire lifestyle change and result in me eating a lawn or a salad or something. I just wanted to take off the weight I gained from quitting smoking. I asked erstwhile advice columnist Marin what to do, and she simply suggested that I stop drinking soft drinks. I probably go through five Cokes a workday, and that doesn’t include however much I pour into my rum at night. And I don’t drink Diet Coke because it doesn’t taste like Coke so much as it tastes like carbonated liquid s**t.

I ignored Marin and went online. There I found a true cacophony of the dumbest advice ever collected. Searching for porn on the internet results in a more grounded reality than searching for weight loss advice. From magic pills to magic frozen foods and magic workout tapes that can allegedly turn you into an elite kickboxer on steroids in 20 minutes a day, the internet is replete with products that do not work and faulty advice. If I had some venture capital, I’d design an app that comes out of the computer screen and smacks the food out of your mouth every time you search for “weight loss” on Google. It would work.

Not surprisingly, weight loss advice tailored for “professionals” or “lawyers” is equally dumb and unhelpful. Lawyers, especially Biglaw lawyers, have some unique challenges when battling to stay physically respectable. One of those challenges is being too smart for stupid weight loss tips….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Weight Loss Tips That Keep Fat People Fat”

Not to be all on Catherine Rampell’s jock today, but the other thing I read in the Economix while I was catching up on the internet seemed far more interesting than imagining Shearman & Sterling partners bitch about how flat profits per partner left them with only $1.56 million, on average, to play around with in 2011.

On the one hand, it’s an obvious point: a study about the most “sleep-deprived” professions found lawyers to average only 7 hours of sleep a night. Only “home health aides” received less sleep.

It doesn’t come as a galloping shock to anybody that lawyers average less sleep than almost anybody else. What did surprise me was the figure. What the hell kind of lazy lawyer is getting seven entire hours of sleep every day?

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