Oh, this is rich. Some poor half-man who undoubtedly owns several pairs of X-Ray specs and a colony of Sea Monkeys decided to trust the dubious promises of an online retailer promising to turn him into a latter day John Holmes. Obviously this purchase was never going to work out for him, but this story has a much more comical ending: the retailer sent him a magnifying glass.
While the newspaper refers to the retailer as a scam artist, it seems to me they sent the only possible product that could deliver on their claims.
And there’s a lawyer involved in this story and you’ll never guess what his name is….
As many of our readers know, the job scene for recent law school graduates is more than a little rough around the edges. The employment rate is still way down for the “lost generation” of lawyers, and desperation and despair have started to rear their ugly heads. In times like these, you may have to do some crazy things just to get noticed by potential employers.
For example, back in July, we told you about a young man named Brian Zulberti. He emailed the entire Delaware Bar in an effort to procure a job, but he didn’t bother to include his résumé. Instead, he attached a picture of himself in a Villanova Law t-shirt, sleeves rolled up and guns blazing. After a quick search on Google, we found this poor young stud’s half-naked photos. His story went viral, and he has passionately (and perhaps foolishly) tried to extend his 15 minutes of fame ever since.
Even though he claims that he’s received several job offers as a result of this whole affair — and no, “not as a [sic] escort” — Zulberti is no longer in search of a legal job. Right now, he’s trying to bring justice to those who have been damned by the perils of social media in conservative professional spheres like the law. He wants these working stiffs to take back their social lives, and once again he’s emailed hundreds, if not thousands, of practicing attorneys, trying to spread the word about his movement.
And he thought the best way to inspire people to join his cause was to post pictures of his penis online…
You don’t often see federal courts striking down conditions of supervised release as violations of substantive due process. But you don’t often see the federal government wanting to hook up a device to a man’s penis, make the man watch pornography, and see what happens. It sounds a bit… 1984 (affiliate link).
I couldn’t help noticing this opinion, given its unusual nature and its focus on the peen. I’m sure you’re all dying to learn more about the procedure known as “penile plethysmography.” (The good news: it’s not as bad as a penile embolism or penile degloving.)
You know you want to see what those Second Circuit judges are hiding underneath their robes. Let’s dig a little deeper (into the opinion), shall we?
Now we’re hearing about a public defender who was allegedly unable to keep it in his pants. Coles County Public Defender Lonnie Lutz held his position for 33 years before retiring in June. In the final years of his service as PD, he allegedly took advantage of the attorney-client relationship by repeatedly sexually harassing and fondling his female clients, but not all of them — “only the special ones.” The sweet nothings Lutz allegedly whispered to his “special” clients are quite… graphic in nature.
Is Lonnie Lutz just a horny old man? Let’s find out…
* If you have an erection that lasts waaaaaaay longer than four hours, file suit. [Delaware Online]
* A New York-area law student wants a tutor to help with the law review write-on competition. For the low, low price of $35/week. Eh. It’s better than contract work in most markets (in case the link breaks I’ve got a screenshot). [Craigslist]
* What the hell, here’s another job listing. Highlights: Unpaid summer associates, fighting for $12/hour positions, with one voted off the island every few days. The new economy is awesome! (Screenshot here.) [Craigslist]
* Patriarch Partners founder and CEO Lynn Tilton, known for saying, “There are three universal lies: Margins are weak, but we’ll make it up in volume; the check’s in the mail; and I won’t come in your mouth,” prevailed in MBIA’s suit against her. [DealBreaker]
* The federal government has made legalized pot difficult for states. Now the burgeoning pot industry is lobbying Congress to change federal laws to make their jobs easier. Come on pols, it’s time to turn your “pro-business” rhetoric to action. [TaxProf Blog]
* Republican master spin doctor Frank Luntz is looking into how the Washington Redskins could save their name. This all grows out of the efforts of George Washington Law Professor John Banzhaf (second link) to push the franchise to change its name by lobbying broadcasting regulators to penalize broadcasters for repeating the slur that passes for a mascot. [PR-Inside]
* Pennsylvania Supreme Court Justice Seamus P. McCaffery is enjoying an FBI probe into the fact that his wife — and chief aide — earned massive referral fees for sending clients to personal injury firms while working for the court and skirting the rules established by the chief justice. Given the amounts involved, I clearly need to get into the referral business. [Philadelphia Inquirer]
* I’ve given Texas a hard time over the last week, but the Texas Court of Appeals for the First District did a little to redeem themselves with this opinion citing legal luminaries Patsy Cline and Daft Punk. Full opinion after the jump. Relevant cites on Texas Courts. Check it out…
Typically when people get shot in the head, they do get very angry.
– Jodi Arias, as depicted by comedian Courtney Pauroso, in a parodic video of “never before seen testimony” from the Arias murder trial. In case you haven’t been watching HLN, Arias is accused of killing her ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander, who was stabbed 27 times, shot in the head, and had his throat slit. Arias claims she killed him in self defense.
(If you’re interested, keep reading to see the hilarious video.)
I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to write this story because it hurts just to think about it (well, that and knowing all the BikeDude comments I’m going to get). It’s pretty straightforward, at least as far as stories about deaths allegedly caused by penis enlargement injections go.
According to law enforcement allegations, a dude wanted a penis implant, so he paid a woman — who had zero medical training — to inject silicone into his junk. It ended up in his bloodstream, and quicker than a bunny rabbit trying to make love to a balloon, he was dead. Now the woman is being prosecuted for manslaughter.
Indulge us and imagine the following scenario, if you will: you’re deep in the throes of sexual pleasure, when all of a sudden, you hear a distinct popping sound and experience the worst pain that you can possibly imagine. Congratulations, because you’ve just broken your penis.
This is every man’s worst nightmare, and a young man from Texas claims that something similar happened to him last year. After purchasing a sexual enhancement supplement at a gas station, this southern gentleman then took his “paramour” to a local motel for some passionate lovemaking.
Somehow, this fellow somehow broke his penis in the process, so he decided to sue the enhancement pill’s manufacturer. If anything, his lawsuit is worth a read because his description of the horrifying event sounds like it came out of a B-movie slasher film….
Do you remember those Viagra commercials where they tell you to seek medical attention if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours? That seems like a logical course of action — after all, it’s sometimes possible to have too much of a good thing. But what happens when you’re not taking an erectile dysfunction medication, and you’ve been standing at attention for an entire day or more? What should you do then?
Well, most men would take to WebMD in a heartbeat if they knew that their junk was at stake. Most men would immediately seek medical attention, regardless of a potentially long wait time at the hospital, because most men are fairly attached to their penises.
But not this man — he waited politely and patiently to find out that his penis was ruined….
Jiminy jillickers! ATL editors are going all over the place over the next month or so. Or at least all over the Eastern Seaboard. If we aren’t heading to your neck of the woods on these trips, never fear, we may hit you up on the next time around. We’ve already hit up Houston, Chicago, Seattle, San Francisco, and Los Angeles in the past year.
Kinney Recruiting’sEvan Jowers is currently in Hong Kong for client meetings and still has a few slots available through October 22. Evan will also be in Hong Kong November 14 to December 15. Further, Robert Kinney has been in Frankfurt and Munich this week and is available for meetings with our Germany based readers.
One of our key law firm clients has referred us to one of their important clients in the US, Europe and China – a leading global technology supplier for the auto industry – in order to handle their search for a new Asia General Counsel and Asia Chief Compliance Officer.
Kinney is exclusively handling this in-house search.
This position will have a lot of responsibility and include supervision of eight attorneys underneath them in the Asia in-house team. The new hire will report directly to the global general counsel and global chief compliance officer, who is based in the US. The new hire’s ability to make judgement calls is going to be as important as their technical skill set background.
The position is based in Shanghai and will deal with the company’s operations all over Asia and also in India, including frequent acquisitions in the region.
It is expected that the new hire will come from a top US firm’s Shanghai, Beijing or Hong Kong offices, currently in a top flight corporate practice at the senior associate, counsel or partner level. Of course, the candidate can be currently in a relevant in-house role.
The JOBS Act created new tools for companies to publicly advertise securities deals online. As a result, thousands of new deals have hit the market and hundreds of millions in capital has been raised, spurring a wealth of new business development opportunities for attorneys.
Fund deals, startup capital raises, PIPE deals and loan syndicates are just a handful of the transactions benefiting from the JOBS Act. InvestorID FirmTM is a platform designed to help attorneys equip their clients with the workflow, marketing and compliance tools to publicly solicit a securities offering online. By providing clients with the tools to painlessly navigate the regulatory landscape of general solicitation, InvestorID FirmTM helps attorneys add value above just legal services.
The Jumpstart Our Business Startups Act (JOBS Act) went into effect in 2013 and permits Regulation D offerings of securities to be advertised publicly. This means that funds and companies can now use social media, emails and web sites to market transactions to new “accredited” investors.
However, with these new powers come new pain points. InvestorID FirmTM provides a secure, fully hosted, cloud-based platform with a breadth of tools for your clients, including: